2009 NFL Schedule

The schedule for the entire 2009 season of NFL football gets released tomorrow on an exiting, prime-time television event. 

From the moment it is released online, till about 32 minutes later, it will bring tremendous joy and interest to an otherwise dull Tuesday evening.  On the 33^rd minute after it’s release, everything will return to Normal, and I will casually glance at it now and then until the first week of September. 

The most exciting thing for me however, is tracking down that elusive yet achievable double header weekend, where I can drive south from my Canadian home to catch a game on Sunday afternoon, then find a Monday nighter on the way back, between Sunday’s location and my home. 

On a blustery Sunday in December, 2007, I watched the Titans play KC, then hit up a Vikes/ Bears game on Monday.  Heaven on earth my friends.

Life is too short not to drop stacks of cash on sporting events.  

The Sad Truth

If I have a flaw in my game (by game, I mean my fanatical love of the NFL) it is that I watch a minimal amount to college ball and only really get to know the players heading into the draft at the combine.  This becomes an issue, because I rely solely on draft boards and mock drafts to tell me who is good at what position.  I have little first hand knowledge from watching a player on the field.  The exception is the top players who play for highly ranked college teams, who are always on TV and play in the bowl games.  If you play for Notre Dame, SCU, LSU or Florida, I’ve seen you play ball.  If you play for Notre Dame, not only have I seen you play ball, but I’ve also seen your coach get hit in his knee hit from the side, buckling it 45 degrees sideways, making me mildly sick to my stomach.  Watch that gross S*&T here.

So now here we are less than a month from the draft.  I know who should be in round I, I know their names, their position, I don’t care, but I know what school they are from, I know if they were caught smoking weed in college, if they stole their roommates shoes, I know if they hate wearing condoms, by the number of children they have fathered and I know how good they are at standardized testing, and how fast they run the 40.  I don’t know if they made a slick one handed catch in the endzone in their JR year, If they aver yell at their coach on the sideline, or if they can pull away from safeties in the middle of the field on a run.  I can read that stuff, but it’s not the same as knowing because you have seen it. 

Because I gather my info from mock drafts and news reports, I basically only hear whose blowing it and slipping down the board.  As far as mock drafts go, I’m 90% sure that everyone who does them just copied the last guys order, because they all look the same.  Somehow on draft day, nearly everyone will be wrong.  In fact in some years, the guy who was picked to go #1 overall sank back to the end of the round.

But, I am stuck with this information.  I will wait patiently until draft day, than I will watch, bored to death, while teams pick their man and I will wait until next season starts to see how these players who I have been thinking about for the past month, actually play the game.  That is my punishment for not finding enough disposable time on Saturdays during the fall to watch 6 hours of football.

I am not content with this situation and I will attempt to amend it next year.  Mark my words.  

Cutler to the Bears

Jay Cuter was traded to the Chicago Bears today.  In return the Broncos get QB Kyle Chandler, head football coach on NBC's Friday Night Lights, first round picks in 2009 and 2010, Lovie Smith's daughter's hand in marriage, the bears third round pick in 2009, hot dog with all the fixins (we're talking fried onions, relish, ketchup, mustard, some chili and a slice of cheese right up on top there) and a brand new pair of Reebok sneekaz.

The Bears will receive a fifth rounder in '09 from the Broncos, QB Jay Cutler and an Upper Deck, Eric Lindros rookie card.  

UPDATE:  It is QB Kyle Orton heading to Denver, not Friday Night Lights star Kyle Chandler.  My bad.

2009 Preseason

Preseason Schedules were released today.  As a seasoned, obsessed NFL fan, I knew it came out, sure…Did it get me excited?  No.  Did I look it over?  Sure I did.

I have one thing to say about the preseason.  It is the time of year, when in 2008, the Detroit Lions went undefeated, The Patriots were in a tizzy because Matt Cassel looked terrible and no one knew what the Pats would do if Brady went down with an injury, and Adrian Peterson had 12 rushes for 21 yards against the Steelers and looked like he would have an average 2008.

Here it is…look it over, check your team out, and then take my advice, forget you ever saw it.  Then come August, flick on the tube and watch your teams practice squad players fly around, missing tackles like they are in the CFL. 

You might say, “who am I watching, the Calgary Stampeders”?  No, no, that’s the Kansas City Chiefs 4^th string middle linebacker,  he sucks.

It hit me recently that I have spent a significant amount of time talking about some of the idiots who play football lately.  I guess it is fun and easy to make fun of those guys.  I mean, there is a good chance that during the day today we will find out that a player drove drunk this weekend, or stabbed his wife in the arm with a BBQ fork.  Instead of looking at those events, today I want to say a few things about why football is the greatest sport on earth. 

Remember in the 2007 season playoffs (might have been 2006), when the Eagles and the Saints played.  Sheldon Brown cracked Reggie Bush in the backfield after a swing pass.  Reggie Bush crawled to the sidelines and even though I was cheering for the Saints that game, it was easy to love. 

I was in the stands at the end of November last year, and watched QB Gus Ferotte, from his own end zone, throw the football as hard as he possibly could.  Berrian ran at full speed, and hauled in what would become a 99-yard catch.    The place went bonkers.  If that isn’t crazy enough, what if I told you that that play was the first offensive play after the Vikings stopped the Bears 4 times in a row with the ball on their own 1 yard line? 

Staying with the Vikings for a moment.  Adrian Peterson busting it around the right side against the Packers, 2:00 left in the 4^th quarter, this year was amazing.  Singlehandedly winning the game and sending Packer fans home on their 6 hour drive, sad and lonely.  Football friggen rules.

I also have a memory from last year, where I came home late from somewhere, turned on the television to see if the Pats, Jets game was still on, and witnessed the Pats come from behind on the last drive to tie up the game and send it to overtime.  Cassel to Moss with a couple seconds left.  Crazy stuff.  I hate the Pats, but if you love football, you can’t hate that game.

I am calling April, the ‘I love football’ month.  I will attempt only positive, football loving stories for the entire month.  I just hope the players co-operate and don’t do anything too stupid.

T.O. and Cutler again

Terrell Owens is being honored this evening, in Washington, D.C by the Alzheimer’s Association. 

Believe it or not, I actually like Terrell Owens, but him being honored by anyone other than an anti-McNabb fan club, seems a little strange to me.  I mean no disrespect to the organization or to anyone with the disease, but the obvious joke goes something like… “Did they forget that T.O. is an asshole”? 

You see it’s funny because Alzheimer’s really does makes you forget things like that.

I read this morning that the Broncos wanted to trade Cutler because the new staff questions his intelligence and thinks he consumes too much alcohol.  This is a legitimate concern, because Cutler has type 1 diabetes, and any alcohol would affect his health to a certain extent. 

I have said on here before that pictures tell the whole story.

Based on this one, I'd say Jay Cutler is a 39 year old lesbian woman.  As for the alcohol accusations, I don't see any evidence to give a reason to be alarmed. 

2008 Season Games here I come

I have some extremely important news to relay through the internet.  Tonite, the internet has given me a gift I will not soon forget.  Through the power of the World Wide Web, I have downloaded a program that makes the IP address of my computer invisible to the universe.  Although I don't understand much of that crap, what it means to me is that I will no longer receive a message that videos are not available in my area, when trying to watch tv shows online.  Most importantly, it will help me fulfill what I feel is my duty as an NFL fan and subscribe to NFL.com's 2008 rewind, where I can watch every 2008 NFL game in HD.  

There is little doubt in my mind that after a week of watching some bits and pieces here and there, I will feel it is a waste of money and cancel the service.  That's not the point.  The point is that I have the ability.  What a wonderfully giving, safe and friendly World Wide Web.

2009 Wonderlic Leaked

It’s that time of year again.  I’m not talking about the buzz around the NFL draft, the failing sump pumps, flooded ditches (in Canada), march madness, or Brett Favre watch #6, I’m talking about the annual event where some guy in a teams front office calls a reporter and faxes over the confidential wonderlic test scores that were hand delivered to his desk.

Before getting to the actual scores, I will stress again that the scores are not sent out to everyone in a teams front office.  If that were true, than I would look toward the scouts every time.  Either the scouts or the assistant equipment manager, those two are the worst at keep secrets.  In fact the scores are couriered to the teams G.M. or head of player personnel.  If it leaks, it’s from there.

Some Notable test results are,

Matt Stafford, 38            Mark Sanchez, 28            Josh Freeman, 27           

Kevin Barnes, 41            Arizona's Eben Britton, 31             Virginia's Eugene Monroe , 24

Baylor's Jason Smith, 23            Ole Miss's Michael Oher , 19           

USC's Clay Matthews, 27            USC's Brian Cushing, 23           

Michigan's Louis Delmas , 12

 

Andre Smith, who has had his fair share of negative press leading up to the draft, scored a 17.  While that is neither impressive, nor shockingly low, I think the fact that his score wasn’t between 5-10 is surprising to a lot of people.  I’d add more scores, but truth be told, they are not very interesting.  It not like news about mop handle beatings or drunk driving manslaughter.    

Cornell Green and Daunte Stallworth are Morons

I have not been able to write for the blog lately.  I was at my cabin over the weekend building a gigantic dock that will house my father’s gigantic boat for decades to come.  Now that I am back in town, I have a strong desire to post the best material ever written in blog history.  Truthfully, I don’t have time to put that much effort into the post today, so we will all have to settle for something that falls into the categories, moderately entertaining or slightly humorous.

Lets talk about idiot football players and their inability to take normal person vacations or off-seasons.  Dante Stallworth, for instance considers getting plastered and driving his $200,000 Bentley into a Cuban guys legs his idea of a good winter vacation.  Now, for retirement he is looking at 10 years in a concrete room, lifting weights in the yard with a phone book taped around his kidneys to protect against the sharpened toothbrushes. 

For my winter vacation I went to Hawaii… I went surfing.  When I had a few pina coladas too many, I left the rented Sebring convertible alone.  I bet Daunte Stallworth got an 8 on his wonderlic test.

Next is Cornell Green.  This guy, who I’ve never heard of before, hit his “baby mama” with the aluminum handle of a mop.  C’mon, when faced with a situation where you are mad at someone, 98% of the world population decides against picking up a long hard object and smoking someone with it.  This should be handled the old fashioned way.  The baby mama gets 3 free shots on him anywhere she wants.  I hope she chooses two right to the “how’s she doing”, followed by another to the “how’s she doing”, only harder.

On the last paragraph, my joke was calling Green’s girlfriend and mother of his children, “baby mama”.  It may not translate well over the Internet, but since I am a 28-year-old white guy in Canada, calling someone a “baby mama” is sort of humorous.

Breaking News, Rosenhaus get the deal done

Jay Cutler has just been traded to the 1998 Vancouver Grizzlies, in exchange for Mike Bibby and a draft pick to be named at a later date.  The move comes only 24 hours after he dumped former agent Bus Cook in favor of hot shit agent Drew Rosenhaus.   Basically, Drew Rosenhaus gets crap like this done in his sleep.  Under Rosenhaus' direction, Cutler will likely hold out during off season workouts, alienate his teammates through locker room comments throughout the year, hold out for a new contract again next year and then again in 2011.

Reports are that Cutler is fired up to wear the Grizzlies teal uniform with the weird symbols around the arm and neck holes.  

The Patriots, Jay Cutler and Marshawn Lynch

Quickly running down today’s headlines,

-Just when I think I don’t need to worry about the Patriots any more, they start trying to sign Julius Peppers.  I hate everything about the Pats.  Their coach, their QB, surprisingly, even their linebackers annoy me, the cutoff sweatshirts (going back to the coach), watching Wes Welker run around makes me mad, Randy Moss is OK Though, but everyone else sucks.  This off seasons acquisitions seemingly has the team stacked again, and that is without Peppers, add him in and they will probably be in the AFC game again.  I think they have picked up every free agent, former Pro Bowl player in the league over the age of 35, this year.  When Holt starts making visits, I bet he’ll land with the Pats.  The Pats will go after him hard because they have a tape of the Super Bowl walk through with Holt running his patterns so crisp and clean.

-Cutler will probably get his trade.  I think it will take his future teams QB and two first rounders.  That said, If I’m a GM, I seriously consider it if I’m employed by any team in the NFC North (except Green Bay), actually, instead of listing teams who should consider Cutler, it is easier to say, unless you have Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Big Ben, or Drew Brees, you should be looking into it.  That said, I think Minnesota better get their Diabetes meds ready, cause a Type 1’s coming to town.

-Marshawn Lynch loves driving with guns in his truck.  He also loves to hit pedestrians with his truck as they cross the street in front of him.  He looks like a scary monster.  The commissioner is going to look into his frightening, wolf like eyes and suspend him for 2 games in the ’09 season.  That will be a huge loss for the Bills, who also will receive a huge loss two season’s from now, when T.O. tells Trend Edwards he sucks, throws Gatorade on Lee Evans and tries to kill himself again.  The last one there was admittedly over the line, but I’m leaving it in.

Jay Cutler Trade Talk

I don’t know what it is about the Jay Cutler situation that I like so much.  It is likey not football related, more just the drama of it all.

A first year head coach attempts to trade his teams star QB a month into his job.  Whether that is a good decision or not, I am not really qualified to say.  It sure sounds stupid, it actually sounds like the dumbest thing any coach could ever do, let’s be honest here.  If you talk about trading your star player, you better trade him or there’s going to be a lot of upset people in the organization, not the mention the fans.

Then there’s Cutler, walking around all sad, shoulders sagging like Charlie Brown.  I think his brain’s got diabetes, because normal adults don’t whine for this long after our ego gets checked.  I know it would be insulting for your team to seek trades in order to get another QB, but your actions become questionable when you mope around about it for 2 weeks.  That said, I’m glad he is acting like little 6^th grade boy, pouting about getting picked second last for recess basketball, because his friend Mason Medinski was one of the captains picking teams and he thought that he should have been picked first.  It makes for a far more entertaining free agency period.

Even though Cutler could have sucked it up by now, I feel the fault lies in Head Coach, Josh McDaniels’ initial attempt to trade Cutler and bring in Matt Cassel.  First of all, Id rather have Cutler any day.  Secondly, what’s next, trade Brandon Marshall, so you can bring in that future star Desean Jackson?  Cutler made the ProBowl last year, Cassel played good in a handful of games and who knows how much of that was Moss either bailing him out with his ball skills, or Moss drawing double teams so there were easy passes elsewhere.

Whatever the case, keep on duking it out boys,  I’ll be here reading.  What’s that Jay, you’re selling your house in Denver?... oh, it’s just a second home, not your primary residence…what’s that, your parents are selling there house too?  I guess you guys are both just trying to take advantage of the super hot real-estate market in America right now.  You’re just cashing in while the getting’s good?..or…

I love it.

Pacman, Smith, Henry and T.J.

Someone commented on a previous post, that T.J. Housh… decided not to join the Minnesota Vikings, because he was introduced to their old/possibly future QB, Jackson and presumably lost all interest in the team.  I read the same rumors over the last few days, and think it probably has more to do with the money in Seattle.  Then again, if the Vikes were actually toting T-Jax as their QB, T.J. likely had visions of the endless 5 yard in routes, and the occasional quick slant pass on his back shoulder and figured, screw this, I’m hooking up with “expedia” Hasselbeck.

In moron news, I read about three morons yesterday. 

-Andre Smith, future rookie OT, skipped the combine practices last month after showing up to just the interviews, then at his pro day he stinks it up, running a 5.28-40.  Nice work, I think it’s time to stop listening to whoever is giving you your advice.  That person sucks at giving advice.

-Pacman Jones got in a fight while filming for Spike tv’s “pro’s vs. Joes”.  The fight might have been exaggerated to get ratings, but the fact that he would even consider a ratings grabbing fight shows what an dumb, dumb, man he must be.  Pacman, you don’t have a job and you are trouble wherever you go, why add fake fights to the list of real fights?  They all get mixed together and teams think you fight a lot.  Stop it.

-Travis Henry has 9 kids, by 9 different women and owes $170,000 each year in child support.  He also doesn’t have a job, because he likes drugs more than football.  Oh yeah, he is also house arrest, because he got caught trafficking cocaine.

Matt Cassel

Matt Cassel was traded to the Chiefs for a second round pick.  That seems a little low considering it looked like teams were lining up to give away a first rounder for a new franchise QB.  What makes things even stranger is that for the second rounder, the Chiefs not only got Cassel, but also, either Mike Vrabel or Tedy Bruschi was traded as well.  I hate the Pats, and those two names seem like the same person to me. (to be honest, until I looked up the spelling 20 seconds ago, I could have sworn there was a “k” at the end of Bruschi)

I know that the old GM in Boston is the new GM in Kansas City, but there couldn’t be something shady going on here could there?  I mean, the Pats wouldn’t ever do something below the table to help an old friend would they?  Belichick is a stand up guy, I’m sure he’d never screw over another team. 

I don’t really mind, because KC could use all the help they can get, but lets play fair, gentlemen.

Belichick, can you just stop acting like such a Douch?

Jared Allen in Iraq and Jay Cutler

Right now, Jared Allen is in Iraq, motivating the American soldiers by giving them advise that only an NFL veteran can give, like remember to duck really low behind thing while being shot at, make the most out of meal times, remember to have cool things written on the top of their helmets (usually with the word kill), always carry a picture of your girl back home and Rodeo always gives the best tips about shooting guns.

Back in America, Broncos QB is doing something much more important, he’s ignoring his team because his feelings are hurt.  Before you criticize him, remember that he has diabetes and has hair like one of the beatles.  I also remember seeing a video of him driving an H2 Hummer, so that brings along a whole new set of issues right there.

Apparently when QB Matt Cassel was being shopped around, the Broncos made a strong effort to get him on board.  Cutler took obvious offence to that, seeing as how he’s the franchise QB and the Broncos don’t make good enough food for there to be two cooks in that kitchen.  Now Cuter ignores phone calls from the club’s owner and during a conference call that he did get on the horn for, Josh McDaniels, the head coach told Cutler that they don’t want to trade him, but they could whenever they want.

So Cutler’s pissed, the coach sounds like a moron, the owner can’t get his QB on the phone, and Cassel plays for the 3^rd worst team in the NFL, which by the way doesn’t have Randy Moss on it, so that means Cassel will look like Dan Orlovski on the field this year.

My guess…this will result in no action by anyone, and Cutler will throw 29 TD’s next season.  If something is going to happen, it will be before or on Draft weekend, so I’ll stay ready.

Free Agency

Free agency is a great thing to watch.  You get to see the frenzy of activity in the first weekend.  The biggest names making huge money, slightly lower profile guys making less money and the veterans, who one year before were fantasy stars, are left without a team to play for.

Marvin Harrison is polishing his limited edition handguns at home right now, and somewhere in a condo in Minnesota, Darren Sharper is laying in a hyperbolic chamber, desperately trying to take years off of his body, as tears fill his eyes.  In addition to those guys, LT is likely on the move if he doesn’t take a pay cut.  Things in football are crazy. 

Oakland will likely give 40 million dollar contract to both of those guys.

Where have I been?

I received a few emails asking where I have been for a week.  

The reason for no posts, is my good friend broke his neck in a hockey accident last weekend.  Since that day, I have not felt much like trying to write anything entertaining.

I will resume my quest for blogging immortality on Monday.

Free Agent, Albert Haynesworth

Being 15 hours away from the start of the 2009 season, which means the start of free agency is a very exciting time.  By this time tomorrow, many NFL teams will have a new superstar on their roster.  I want to take this opportunity to examine one of the top free agents in this year’s pool.

Albert “Stomp-yo-head” Haynesworth is a 320 pound, 6’6” defensive tackle who has played his entire career with the Tennessee Titans.  Albert is a real junkyard dog.  He’ll stomp on your head and laugh about it…he’ll tell you your mom sucks, and then push you down.  Albert will make fun of the style of facemask you’ve chosen to attach to your helmet and then sack your quarterback, because he don’t care, you know?

Seeing as how Albert is looking for a nine-figure contract, I figured I should do my part for any team who’s looking to land him and examine a picture.  I wouldn’t want a team offering up that kind of cash without knowing all the facts. 

Right off the bat I can tell you, Albert has a serious hearing problem.  This may not be a deal breaker for a team, because with the things they can do in medical science these days, they'll likely put some hearing aids in his ears.  My grandfather has hearing aids and they seem to restore hearing to normal levels, so how this issue will affect his free agent stock remains to be seen.

Everything else looks pretty good on this guy.  There is that thing about the uncontrolable rage that caused him to dig his cleats into the top of a players head for no reason.  I guess in his defense, the guy was laying on the ground with his helmet off and his back turned.  What else are you supposed to do, help the guy up?  Any player worth his salt in this league stomps that head.

25 Random Things About Jared Allen

As many of us hip and cool people know, Facebook is an essential part of everyday life for millions of Americans.  The new, hip and cool thing to do on Facebook is a 25 Random Things About Me survey. I just found Jared Allen’s.

25 Random Things About Me, 

1        In grade 4, an eye doctor told me that I needed glasses.  After getting a pair, I popped out the lenses, grinded them down on the pavement during my recesses to form a shiv and stabbed Blake Davis, the school bully, in the balls with them.

        2     I have a terrible memory.  One time I forgot the pin to my bankcard, so when I was standing at the ATM, I had no way to get access to my $37,568,934.89.

        3      For Christmas, my teammates went together and bought me an adult man, like a human man, who now cleans up my stuff and kind of just chills at my house.

        4       My Christmas present used to cook me meals, but he mostly just microwaved hot pockets, so I told him to stop.

        5         I’m a huge David Archuleta fan.  I don’t like his music; I’m a fan of how crappy he sounds. 

        6       I love building things.  Last off-season, I spent 3 months building extra fingers for my hands.  

        7      My favorite food is Nachos

        8        I went the first 24 years of my life without a cell phone, when I finally got one a few years ago and it had a 2 mp camera in it. 

        9      When I was a kid, I wanted a dog so bad, that I taped a picture of a dog on the inside of my dad, Hulk Hogan’s bathroom sliding pocket door, so he had to look at it while he combed his yellow hair.

10.  10    I hate Goster Chelilis because he sucks at football, not because he is fat.

11.  11     I have hands as big as a large German pancake.

12.  12     I wrote a book about football called, Aaron Rodgers:  That Guy Sucks.

13.  13       Yesterday, I killed a Badger and a Wolverine with a glue stick, some sand paper, and an unlit cigarette.

14.  14      Fruit makes me puke.

15.  15     I own the entire city of New Haven, Connecticut.

16.  16       I was one of the coaches on The Ultimate Fighter 7: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest.  I was Forrest.

17.  17      Three words…I     Don’t     Poop.

18.  18    I was a hitman on the side, for the first 2 seasons of my career.

19   19      I have produced two movies, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Robot Monster, a comedy about a robot named Mr. Iron Bottom, who looks like a gorilla.  Mr. Iron Bottom has to be Santa Clause for a year, when Santa suffers a grade 3 knee sprain in a wakeboarding accident.  The robot monster finds himself in a predicament with sexy consequences.

22   20     I spend all my free time thinking of new, better ways to kill badgers and wolverines using a bottle of salsa and crushed up tortilla chips.

21   21      I once watched an entire season of Home Improvement on dvd, over a two-day period.  I had diarrhea for 4 days afterward and ever since then, when I hear Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ husky voice, I suffer a small stroke. 

22.  22      My favorite color is camouflage with blood on it.

23.  23      I made Coach Childress promise me he’d never look me directly in my eyes.

24   24      When I buy a new vehicle, the only criteria is that it can easily drive over, and render immobile, punter Chris Kluwe’s silver, 2007 Dodge Charger.

25   25     After the Pro Bowl, I vacationed in Bossaso, Somalia, where I went on a pirate ship tour and we captured an Israeli ship full of Toyota Land Cruisers.  When I got home, I spent my share of the ransom money on an autographed photo of Fred Savage on the set of The Wonder Years and 32,345 shares of the S&P 500 index. 

NFL Combine Wonderlic Test

The Wonderlic test is given to NFL prospects at the NFL scouting combine.  It is a logic test that tests how much mental capacity accompanies the physical skills that are on display.  The Wonderlic has 50 questions and 12 minutes to answer them with.

Here are the average scores by position:

OT-26

C-25

G-23

TE-22

QB-24

S-19

LB-19

CB-18

WR-17

FB-17

HB-16

Some interesting scores:

Vince Young, 6

Ryan Fitzpatrick, 38

Kevin Curtis, 48

Eli Manning, 38

Donovan McNabb, 14

Tony Romo, 37

Tom Brady, 33

Brady Quinn, 29

Dan Marino, 15

Michael Vick’s Broham, Marcus Vick, 11

It doesn’t seem like a players general intelligence has a direct correlation to football skill, but I can understand teams wanting to know if they just gave a moron $20 million guaranteed.

I’m sure all this Wonderlic talk has you itching to take a test yourself.  You can do so here and here.  Those links are the best I can find.  I must warn you though, they may not be very accurate.  If I believe the scores I received on those two tests, I would be a certifiable genius and if you read over some of the crap that came out of my brain and onto this blog, it is obvious that the tests are scoring a little high.

Barack Obama and Future Posting

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…that is not true of the pictures I have chosen to post on this blog, none-the-less, you have likely noticed the increased use of unauthorized photography on the blog lately.  I think it really livens the place up.  It brings a splash of color to its otherwise text filled existence.

I have also branched out into having words that have links on them.  Not the double underlined words, which if clicked on, puts 3 cents into my bank account, but for instance, if you click here, you will be taken to a link of my choosing.  All of these things are designed to increase your pleasure while visiting. 

In this week heading into free agency, I am hoping to have my blog topics jump out at me, because in all honest, since the season ended, I have been having trouble finding interesting things to write about.  I am looking for your assistance in this matter.  Please post your ideas in the comments section.

It’s for your own good, because if you don’t, you will be finding yourself reading a week long investigation into Tom Brady’s 15-year old looking physique, and strange skin pigmentation, as we delve deeper into his 2000 scouting combine photo.

The truth is, that no matter how good your ideas are, I may just write about that Tom Brady photo anyways, because the more I think about it, the more I want to take that east-coast playboy down a peg or two.  

Devin Moore and the NFL Combine

The NFL combine has finally come.  What a great time in history we live, when I can watch or opt not watch the future stars of the NFL weight lift and shuffle drill their way up the draft board on cable TV.  You know it wasn’t always like this.  I don’t remember when it wasn’t, but trust me, it wasn’t always like this.

I mean, it used to be that you got all of your information from your local newspapers sports section.  And Lord knows you certainly didn’t trust the guys on Sports center with the shiny suits and their expensive haircuts, high on cocaine and animal tranquilizers. 

My favorite combine drill, is the cornerback hip turn exercise, where they run backwards as fast as they can, turning their hips to the direction they are told.  At the end of the drill, a facilitator throws up a ball for them to simulate an interception and they either make the catch and run it back toward the end zone, or the ball bounces off their stone hands, revealing to the world the real reason they didn’t choose to be a wide receiver.

I have one important scouting combine update.

Devin Moore, running back out of Wyoming didn’t get a combine invite, so he held his own in Indy.  14 teams had reps there.  The kid ran a 4.4 40-yard dash.  I like it.  I’m going to remember his name, and see what happens on draft weekend.  He showed more heart in taking that initiative than 79% of players ever show. 

 

Since I do my NFL scouting based on photographs, I have a good read on this guy.  He has great down field vision, because he runs with his eyes really wide, his mouth guard is in all the way, which is good…good ball security, he wears those black arm things, so that’s important.  His pants don’t seem done up all the way, so that will be a concern heading into draft weekend and the major issue teams will see in him, is his affinity to face mask the opposing team while attempting to straight arm them. 

To prove my theory about judging based on photographs, I present to you a random photo from the 2000 scouting combine.  This player clearly cannot be successful at the NFL level.  Based on his photo, he suffers from low self worth, his body clearly won’t be able to handle NFL sized hits on his blindside, his shorts are grey, which is a huge red flag and his body looks dumb because he has terrible posture.  Based on this information, this player was drafted 199^th overall on draft day.  

It is Tom Brady for those of you who can't make out the image.

Brad Childress looks like...

Here are three photos.  One is the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings, one is the star of the highest rated television program of all time, Major Dad and the third is the conductor from the movie, Polar Express.

I know what you're thinking and I can't tell the difference between the three either.  I am pretty sure the guy on the right is Major Dad, because it is a signed photo and it is signed, Major Dad, but between the other two I'm pretty sure they are just impersonating this guy (on the left)...

his name is Fart Face, from a Saturday Night Live sketch.  

That's actually what I will call all of the three above from now on, especially Childress.

Jared Allen Video

Here's a Video of Jared Allen's 2008 season.  Try not to be distracted by the completely ridiculous music, this visually perfect, video montage is set to.   I don't want to bite the hand that feeds too hard, and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, this video sucks.

Forget it, I should just take this piece of crap off.  If you feel strongly one way or another, let me know in the comments.  I have no issues removing this link and denying whoever made this video the satisfaction of extra viewers.

I'll find a good video to post.  Check back soon.

Marshawn Lynch is Arrested Again

Marshawn Lynch doesn’t look like a very smart dude.  In fact, if you have ever played fantasy football, you have seen his head shot picture used to inform fantasy team managers that he is not actually human, he is a huge monster, with monster, Predator like hair, and a monster face, including weird metal teeth that look like they will bite you on your face.  Then again, for a football player, that’s not a bad look.

As if Bills fans didn’t face enough adversity last season on the field, Lynch keeps on committing crimes.  He should stay away from SUV’s because by that seems to be the common bond between last years hit and run, and this years loaded gun in the truck charges.

The man is 2 for 2 on getting arrested during the offseason.  He should come and hang with me for a few months; I’ll show him some good clean fun.   You know, watch some TV after supper, maybe a re-run of Two and a Half Men, check out a reality show after that, cap it off by going out for some nachos at Tony Roma’s.  And that’s just a week night, on the weekends we’d run some errands on Saturday, go out for dinner, maybe go to a friends house for some drinks after, maybe watch a movie.  Sunday, we would relax a little, take a nap, you know; really wind it down before a busy Monday.

Consider the offer extended Marshawn.   Also, bring whatever Xbox games you have, and an extra controller, I smell some late night video game sessions.

Free Agent QB's

This years free agent QB class includes such names as, Jeff “probably isn’t gay” Garcia, Kurt “baggy sleeves” Warner and Kerry “skeleton face” Collins .  Matt Cassel was nearly a free agent, but has now been franchised, but is still likely available through trade.

What does this mean?

Basically, it means that if your team is one of those who hasn’t had reliable play at QB for years, struggling with 2^nd rate, should be back-up, after 2^nd rate, should be back-up,  the kind of guys who’s stat line on Sunday reads, 13-32, 179 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, then your strife may have ended.

Although, all but Cassel are on the downside of good careers, every one of them stands a decent chance of appearing on a Pro Bowl roster next year.  I am interested to see how it all shakes out.  

Any team could do worse than seeing a QB, wearing linebacker shoulder pads with Warner on the back of his jersey, running to midfield for the coin flip.  Add free agent T.J. Houshmandzadeh and you may have an instant offensive powerhouse, all for the price of 25 mill against the cap.  The only thing better than looking at that, is staring down the barrel of a loaded up tube steak with a Bud light in a plastic bottle to wash it down.

2009 Pro Bowl Festivities

I was in Honolulu for the festivities this weekend and have a few observations to pass on.

-I was wrong about Ray Ray’s belly.  After further consideration, it is a Hacksaw Jim Dugan-style muscle gut.  My apologies for the misunderstanding.

-Carolina ‘s WR, Steve Smith, has legs that belong attached to a 350-pound man.  I had the pleasure to stand behind him at one point this weekend and couldn’t believe the girth; they’re like the trunk of a North-Western Ontario Poplar.

The other thing about Steve Smith is that after American Idol star David Archeleda (I don’t care if I spelled that wrong) sang during Saturday’s practice, Steve walked over and chatted with him for five minutes.  I don’t know what they were saying, but whatever it was, I hope it was emotionally devastating for Archeleda. 

-The game was great to watch, lots of action, etc.  I can’t say enough about how fun it is being in Hawaii, seeing NFL’s biggest superstars.  Weird thing though, I’m pretty sure stadium upper decks aren’t supposed to sway in the wind.  Whoever build the Aloha Stadium might of used glue and Popsicle sticks to build their bleachers, because at various times this weekend, I was walking or sitting in the Stadium, and felt swaying. 

At one point during Sunday’s game, it was so bad that I planned out my best chance for survival, emergency maneuvers for the upper deck collapse scenario.  It included, in no particular order, standing, covering my head, silly putty, clearing a path, laying down under my seat, a book of matches, suing the state of Hawaii for millions and a dab of crazy glue .  That all turned out to be a waste of my time, as it didn't come down.

-Jared Allen’s forced fumble/ fumble recovery was pretty sexy.   Rodeo didn’t disappoint his fans, it fact, Rodeo impressed his fans.

-50% of everyone in the world is a Cowboys fan; the other 50% hate the Cowboys and like other teams from different centers across mainland United States.

-There was a guy in my hotel from Pittsburg.  He was there with his son, because he promised his son that if the Steelers won the Super Bowl, they’d go to Hawaii.  You must be thinking, what a great Dad.   What if I told you, I saw that guy 3 different days this weekend, most recently this morning and each time He was, A, Drunk, B, wearing a Steelers, Super Bowl Champions shirt (same one everyday), C, wearing short swim trunks and D, wearing steel toe work boots that came up to his mid-calf.  Steeler’s fans suck, I always knew it, but now I know that I was always right.

Sorry for the days without a post.  I’ll make it up to each and every one of you.

Jared Allen's Pro Bowl

Jared Allen and his Vikings teammates had a huge game today, but as I am currently using a pay-per-minute, internet service at my Hawaiian hotel, you'll neet to wait until Tuesday to hear more.

QB sacks are fun to watch

One of my favorite things in the game of football is the QB sack. Depending on which side of the ball you are cheering for at that moment, there is nothing more devastating or exciting to watch.  It is tremendously satisfying to watch a pocket collapse, and the QB go down.  The image is often so dramatic.  The QB gets crowded, and then he flails, fighting to stay on his feet, only to be thrown to the ground.  If you’ve ever been to an NFL game live, you know what I’m talking about.  The crowd noise as your Defense waits for the ball to snap and volume in the building, if your team brings the QB down.  

The best play imaginable for me is a defensive player coming around the edge, turning the corner around the OT, then planting his shoulder square in the QB’s back.  Better yet, if it’s in the end zone.  These are the thoughts that keep me warm during the long offseason.  These are also the things that put 694 million dollars in a Bank of America account, belonging to Jared Allen.

All of this reminiscing was brought on by Arizona’s Darnell Dockett’s Super Bowl performance, which is tied for the best ever. 

I just got back from golfing, here is Hawaii, and the five hours in the sun has left me no energy to think of anything humorous to add to this post.  Today, you just get the cold, hard facts.  I only lied once in the writing of this post, and it was on Jared Allen’s salary.  I considered writing in his actual salary, but decided against it.  I get more honest, the more tired I get.   

Ray Lewis at the Pro Bowl

Ray Lewis is in Hawaii, for his 20th consecutive Pro Bowl.  He is like a dad to many players in the league.  He shows them stuff, like what financial advisers to talk with, whether to lease or buy the Bentley, he answers questions like, house or condo?, He shows the players cool ways to wear their hair, how low to wear their pants and he tells them about hip new shoes they could wear, what hot jams should be blairing over their trucks radios, how big the face of your watch should be and he's always got the pulse on the hottest celebrity gossip.  Some people call him the NFL's Godfather.  I call his the NFL's Doggfather, because he's cool like Snoop.

I love Ray Lewis, but there is something that I need to get off my chest.  I'm going to grab a good look for myself on Sunday, but I'm pretty sure Ray-Ray is running around with a dad gut.  At first I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking of it as a Hulk Hoganesque muscle gut.  But after seeing him running around practice today, I'm 90% sure he's got a classic case of the old, solid/fat gut.  You know, the kind that if you punch, it doesn't move, it is just a big firm belly.  He is pushing 40, so it isn't that big of a deal, but I thought I'd mention it none-the-less.

Aloha.

The Upcoming Off-Season

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the football season is done.  Except for the Pro Bowl, which doesn’t really count.  All I can hope for there is Adrian Peterson to bust an eighty yarder to provide me with one last flash of excitement before seven long months of nothing.  Actually, the best-case scenario would be Bill Belicheck (I don’t care if I spell his name wrong), standing on the sideline and two players bowl into his knees at full speed, a la, Charlie Weiss.  That is the perfect cap to a good year of football.

I shouldn’t say “months of nothing”.  I will have hours, upon hours of scowering the World Wide Web for rumors of trade information and free agent visits made to my favorite teams.  That’s always extremely rewarding, and a very effective use of my free time.  I can think back to last year, where I actually lost an hour of sleep to excitement over the thought of Derek Anderson joining the Vikings.  In hindsight, that hour would have been better spent sleeping. 

What will this year’s off-season hold?  Jared Allen will do some fishing, I’ll write about it.  Transformers 2 will be released, I’ll see it.  If only most other sports didn’t suck so much, I’d have more to do after football.  There’s always hockey playoffs…lord knows what watching the regular season is like though.

I’ll keep you all posted on what I’ve found to fill my time in these football-less days.  Feel free to comment your own plans below. 

Last Pro Bowl in Hawaii

In my lengthy conversation with 3 Hawaiian bartenders, I now am 95% certain that the Hawaiian people have love for 2 things in the sports world.  One is the NFL.  The Raiders and the 49ers being the teams of choice in these parts.  The second is UFC superstar BJ Penn.

Think about the information I have just given you, and realize with me, the painful life they must be living this week.  Basically they have been screwed, football wise for a decade.  Then BJ Penn loses to GSP on Saturday night.  If all of this wasn’t bad enough to cause a man to dive head first into a big blender jug full of pre-made Pina Colada mix, I had to inform one of my new acquaintances, that this was the last year for the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.

What could the NFL be thinking?  From next year forth, the event will be held the week before the Super Bowl, in the Super Bowl city.  Two things right off the bat…

-No player in the Super Bowl will play for obvious reasons.   

-In 2010, the Pro Bowl will be in Indianapolis.  How many players will hop on the plane to frigid Indianapolis at the end of January?  Do you think Clinton Portis owns a toque?...Hells No.   It seems like the NFL has a hard enough time getting players out to Hawaii each year. 

Miami seems, at first glance, to be the best of the mainland locations for this trial run.  A tropical climate, a party strip in South Beach, the great shopping, the fact that it is fast becoming one of North America’s Mecca’s for homosexuality, etc.  But, judging by the disproportionate amount of DUI’s that occur there by NFL players vs. any other city on earth, the thought of Miami’s vibrant blue and pink may conjure up too many bad memories to allow an extra visit next year.  Plus, many of the players call Miami home and if you’re going to smash up a Bentley, why not do it on a holiday, in somebody else’s town.  

I guess time will reveal the answer to this debate.  One thing that I know, Jared Allen would rather have the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.  I read that today, and I believe everything I read.  So should you… see Detroit Uniform changes below.

Super Bowl Was Most Watched Ever

Although it is not yet official, it appears that this years Super Bowl was not only the most watched Super Bowl, but the most watched television program ever.  It will narrowly overtake the series finally of M*A*S*H, the season 2 season premier of Two and a Half Men, and the television premier of the movie House Guest, starring Sinbad, which were previously tied for first place.

We all know what this means, there are a hundred million people around he world that think Santonio Holmes is the greatest receiver of all time, followed closely by Larry Fitz (which isn't far from the truth actually).  One benefit to that many people watching the broadcast, is an enormous number of people now know the truth about John Madden.  I'm sure everyone watching was reminded of their aging grandfather on the verge of losing his mind.  Is it too much to ask of our commentators to get the first names of the players correct?  What is Boldin's first name again?  Don't ask Madden, I think he called him Anthony two times.

Back to the movie House Guest for a moment, I think for a movie that provided us all with the nickname "ST3", for anyone named Steve, it gets far too little respect.  And what has happened to Sinbad?  last thing I heard, he was standing in line, two people in front of my friend Gareth, waiting to open up a bank account in a San Fernando Valley Wells Fargo.

The Super Bowl, and My Distractions

Please accept my sincerest apologies in advance for my sporadic posts over the next two weeks.  I am currently in assignment, covering the 2009 Pro Bowl festivities.  I am trying my hardest to get the inside scoop, as they say, but it may be hard because for the time being I am on the wrong island.  I will note however, that I had a wonderful talk with a local bartender named Jason, who is a 49ers fan. 

How about that Super Bowl?  I have watched very little television, so I am currently benefitting form absolutely no thought corruption brought on by listening to analysts tearing apart the game over and over, for days on end.  So I have a few original thoughts to share, although I recognize that since everyone watched the same thing on Sunday, we may share common opinions.  Although, my Super Bowl started at 1:30 pm.

-Larry Fitz, is a maniac, who’s sweat should be bottled up, mixed into a cologne, and sold for $100 a bottle, like Garth Brooks did in the mid 90’s. 

-How do you not review a change of possession in the last 10 seconds during the Super Bowl?  It looked like a fumble to me, but what is the harm in a booth review. 

-Santonio Holmes is the MVP?  Nice job.  It is cool for a tier 2, WR to receive such an honor.  That’s like Bobby Wade, or Mike Furry getting the keys to the Hybrid Escalade.  My Prediction for next year… who ever the back up tight end in Baltimore is. 

-By my count, Bud spent 9 million dollars on horse commercials that didn’t even make me smile once. 

I will post again in the near future.  I feel rushed, because the only Wi-Fi signal I can get from the house I am in is from a source called “Margaret”, which I believe to be the next-door neighbor’s signal.  I know the neighbors name is Margaret, so I am fairly certain.  Her signal however, gets turned on and off throughout the day, so I have a narrow window with which to execute my post. 

 

Incase you haven't already seen the amazing, Crying, Giants Fan

The man below is:

A: Drunk.

B: A huge Giants fan.

C: Worth 2 minutes of your time.

This is like one of those really awkward moments where you want to say something, but don't know what, so you try to make a joke about it.  I might say something like, "do they still make plain, grey sweaters"? Or, "I thought Newman was a Jets fan".  But it doesn't help...Just skip below and read about the Super Bowl.

Super Bowl Pick

On Sunday, I’m rooting for the underdog Cardinals.  Since I am not a fan of either team, I had to do some real soul searching in order to figure out why.  A few reasons came to mind.

-Larry Fitzgerald has quite possible the largest bum ever to run a 4.4, 40.  I can’t even believe that thing works on a wide receiver.  It’s just fun to watch.

-Kurt “baggy sleeves” Warner is old and good, a rare combination for success.  He worked as a grocery bagger in this adult life and rose to football stardom.  He must be one of those guys who refuses to read an article written about him, or watch his performance, like actors do sometimes, because if he’d of seen himself on tape just once, he’d realize he wears linebacker shoulder pads and his sleeve openings look weird.  He’s the Jake Plummer of his generation.  I can overlook all of his cosmetic flaws to root for the good man beneath it all.  Plus, Moto-cyclette Roethlisberger wears his hat backwards far to often to be taken seriously.

-Because they shouldn’t be where they are and the fact that they are , gives hope for every team in the league.  

-Edgerrin James was good, then he sucked and now he’s sort of good again.  Plus, his back-up’s name in Tim Hightower, which if I didn’t know better, I’d think was a 6’8” volleyball player from the University of Iowa.

There are other little things, like Jersey color, City location and the fact that I’d take a team with a bird name over a team named after a blue collar occupation any day, but those are petty, bandwagon reasons.  Larry Fitz’ ass on the other hand…you just can’t argue with that.

Cards 27, Steelers 17

Jared Allen an Ultimate Fighter

In, best news I’ve ever heard, news, I just read (here), that Jared Allen is indeed an ultimate fighter. 

The news comes following a story from Minneapolis that Tarvaris Jackson is taking Mixed Martial Arts training in order to loosen himself up a bit.  Apparently, Rodeo participated in the same training while he was in KC, and it helped him with his agility and ability to round the corner (and his ability to beat your face in, should he deem that necessary). 

I got a pretty good sneak peek of what t-Jax will look like in the ring, during Wild Card Weekend against the Eagles, when Jackson threw a pick and tried to tackle the Eagles player at the goal line.  He was lifted into the air by the opposing team and thrown to the ground like a sack-o-potatoes.

None the less, I feel a real kinship with both Rodeo and Jackson now, because what a lot of you may not know is, my parents second cousin married Brock Lesnar’s brother.  True story.

Needless to say, Jared Allen will likely pursue an MMA career in the next few years, dominating the circuit with his reach advantage.  Wowing the masses with his devastating athleticism, an unparellelled work ethic  and his signature finishing move, the one-handed head squeeze.   

Detroit What? (not a question, but like how Eminem says it)

The Detroit Lions are looking to change their look on the field by 2010.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re still going to suck, but they’ll be sucking in a slightly different color.

The team announced during a news conference this week that it plans to get a new look... kind of a visual transformation to go along with the mental and physical transformation that they hope to achieve.

Team insiders have leaked what the new uniforms will look like.  The most drastic change will be the move away from actual jersey tops to fur coats.  The fur coats were originally to be made from mink, but due to the state of our current economy, the team settled for rabbit pelts sewn together to form the new look. The team’s pants will be black both home and away and instead of mid cut shoes, the men will now wear shoes with the upper part extending to just below the knee.  The overall look is intended to emulate a street worker, or prostitute.

Dan Orlovski was in attendance during the news conference, and modeled part of the new look for the reporters.

Super Bowl

The Super Bowl is a very interesting event for me.  It is the biggest game of the year for my favorite League, yet I treat is with the less seriousness that my favorite teams first preseason game. 

One of my issues is, I am usually watching the game with a room full of people, most of whom are seeing their first game of the season.  These people are in it for the party, not the football.  Still, make no mistake, none of them believe that and they are all experts on all aspects of the game.  Everything from the play calling to the color of analyst’s shirt is under the microscopic scrutiny of these football experts. You are right Rick, Brady is an “idiot” for not seeing his open receiver. Debbie, please explain to the group why Eli Manning doesn’t “look” like a good football player.  What’s that Chad, you think running plays are a waste of a down…funny, I thought they were the foundation of a team’s offense. 

I guess it comes down to my respect for a person’s football watching experience.  I fully recognize that not everyone can watch 4 games a weekend, but an average of 3 per month is required for me to have any respect for a persons football opinion.  I also take age into consideration.  For every decade older than me someone is, I can excuse .5 games per month.  For example, If a guy is 30 years older than me, he must only watch 1.5 games/month for me to take him/her seriously.

The same allowence applies based on how many bags of Sunchips a person brings. 0.5 games a bag.

It is therapeutic for me to talk openly with you about this.  I am trying to mentally prepare myself for Sunday, when for the first time all season, I hear someone decide who to cheer for based on the color of teams jersey.

Adrian Peterson Wins Fed Ex Ground Award.

Adrian Peterson was awarded the Fed Ex Ground Player of the universe award today.  He led the league in rushing in 2008, with 4398 yards on 301 rushes for a whopping 14.6 yards per carry average.  The only player with a better season was O.J. Simpson in 1995, when he rushed for 4405 yards, and killed 2 people.

For winning this award, Fed Ex will donate 12.4 million dollars to the YMCA in AD’s honor.  As well, Peterson will receive free priority status on all of the Fed Ex ground packages he sends. 

Fed Ex noted that standard fuel surcharges will still apply if Peterson send packages over seas.

  

Cameron Wake, you heard his name here first...

I am going to go out on a limb right now, and telling everyone that there is a new DE to watch out for, Jared Allen's best friend in high school, Cameron Wake.  He played for the BC Lions of the CFL last year recording 23 sacks.  Although the quality of offensive tackles in that league don't compare to the NFL, Wake has 12 more sacks than the second best in the league, Anne Murray.  Former Prime Minister, Pierre Elliott Trudeau was third in the Sack leader stat count, with 10.

Watch his film here

I will be watching out for this potential stud this season.  If he sucks, forget i said anything.

Wake signed with the Miami Dolphins earlier this month.

Did You Know...?

When any one of us visit a website, the operator of that website has the ability to get a small glimpse of his or her visitor through some form of Analytical data.  For instance, when someone visits this blog, I can see how they got here.  Whether it be directly(typing the address into their browser), a link from a different website, or through a search engine search.  

My favorite is a the search engine.  Interestingly enough, when someone uses Yahoo and types in "Jared Allen", we are in the top 5 results, yet the same search on google, we are not even in the top 50 pages.  Weird, but no offense taken.  

The best search I have seen, which resulted in a visit to www.thejaredallen.blogspot.com, is "jared allen fake id".  Strangely enough, this search occurs at least 5 times a day.  

In an effort to accomodate these Internetters, I have used my obviously limited photoshop skills and given them what they are looking for.  It is anyones guess, what they plan to do with a fake id, bearing Rodeo's image now that they have found it.  

Please post a comment below, explaining why you are looking for a Jared Allen fake id.

Jared Allen Nickname Finalized

From this day forth, Jared Allen will also be known as Rodeo. 

Rodeo would like to say a few words to his fans who voted on his future identity, but he couldn’t be reached for comment (I have no idea how to contact him).  I would like to thank you for him, using the official new Rodeo greeting.   

The brand new way to greet," Rodeo style", is a move much like waving, but instead you pretend to hold a lasso, and spin it above your head.  I haven’t yet decided if it should end by throwing the imaginary lasso over an imaginary steer’s head.  That sounds like an idea for the next poll.

Brett Favre to the Vikings?

Peter King mentioned this afternoon that, if Brett “woops” Favre chooses to return to the NFL, he wants to do it as Jared Allen’s teammate. 

I have a vision of how their first meeting during the offseason program would go:

Jared  Allen:  Hey, man

Brett Favre:  Hi

JA:  those are nice cargo shorts

BF: thanks

JA: Did you cheat on your wife when she had breast cancer? 

BF: Yes sir.

JA:  Why do we say your name like Farve, but it’s spelt Favre?

BF:  I’m a moron.

JA:  Oh.

BF:  Did my wife Janelle, or whatever her name is invite you to my 50^th birthday party at the Hyatt?

JA: No.

BF:  Friday night at 8:30

JA:  I’ll only come if I can beat up your friends, and throw food at you.

BF:  That’s normally what my best friend Mike Holmgrem does.  But I guess you can both do it.

JA:  Underneath the act you’re a dink aren’t you? 

BF:  Yes.

 

No Football Yesterday

Yesterday marked the first Sunday since September, that I didn’t watch a little afternoon football.  It went surprisingly well.  There was very little crying, and I held my insane temper in check for the most part.  I watched a movie, took a nap, and then went out for sushi.  Not a bad, little Sunday, I lined up for myself there.

I would like to start a new segment on TJA, called:

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH…

The New England Patriots.  I think that they have let every coach walk, except the Head, the best qb in the league is having rehab problems, his replacement has to be franchise tagged, all of their linebackers are over 40 years old, and they lost in the Super bowl to the Giants last year…weird.

LT.  In my fantasy draft last year, he was taken first overall.  I think, unless he is traded the 2003 Baltimore Ravens, he’ll slip into the 2^nd round.

Coaches for hire.  Right now, Mike Shanahan is sitting in his gigantic kitchen, reading the newspaper, unemployed.  Right now, Jon Gruden is screaming his face off at something.  Herm Edwards is quietly reading the newest Harry Potter book in his family room, his spectacles low on his nose, a steaming cup of hot chocolate sits on the side table, next to his la-z-boy.

Somebody hire those guys.

That concludes my first stab at, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH…

Things I Know...

It is unbelievable that I have not posted since Monday.  I have been so busy thinking about Jared Allen, other NFL personalities, future NFL rule changes, What number Crabtree will go in the draft and Barack Obama, that I completely forgot to post.

Here are a few things I know.

I am heading to the Pro Bowl as a reserve Free Safety behind Ed Reed.  I don't know why I am playing for the AFC side, but I guess Peyton Manning and Kurt Warner picked the teams, and you don't always get to be on the same team as your best friend.  

I weighted myself today and the result was 186 pounds.  I weighed myself last week Monday, and I was 182 pounds.  I was wearing jeans and a collared shirt today, but I can't remember what I was wearing last Monday.  You'd be surprised how much clothes weigh. 

The only good thing about sub-zero weather, is that you can wash the Volvo, and it stays clean for more than the first turn out of the car wash parking lot.

I don't know why I wear slim pants and like how they look, yet I think slim fitting shorts look dumb.

A bottle of crazy glue is $2.19 at Canadian Tire.  My anxiety level goes through the roof during the application of crazy glue, over fear of gluing my index finger to my thumb.

I didn't realize how much I really despised the Philadelphia Eagles until they started to mount a comeback against the Cardinals in the NFC Championship game.  

The price of fuel is quite reasonable.  I didn't like paying $150 to fill up my truck 6 months ago.

 

Jared Allen and Howie Long

This is Un-Jared Allen related, although Jared Allen knows what I'm talking about here.

It is no longer just Teri Hatcher, Michael Strahan and Chris Long who hate Howie Long’s guts; we can now add millions of Americans to the list.  In case you have missed every commercial break since the playoffs began, let me fill you in on what’s been going on.   GM has some awesome truck commercials, and they go like this:

Howie Long knocks on the window of a pleasant looking man driving a non-Gm truck

Howie:  You look like a total dink in that truck

Nice Guy:  What?

Howie:  Your truck sucks

Nice Guy:  Why would you say that?

Howie:  I want to punch you in the face so bad right now

Nice Guy:  Blank Stare

Howie: Howie sticks up his middle finger and walks off.

 

Are bullies cool?  This might be one of the reasons General Motors in is a financial crisis.  Instead of advertising their vehicles, they seem to be spending tens of millions of dollars, running a campaign to make Howie Long look like a douchebag. 

At least they have accomplished their goal.