Free Agent, Albert Haynesworth

Being 15 hours away from the start of the 2009 season, which means the start of free agency is a very exciting time.  By this time tomorrow, many NFL teams will have a new superstar on their roster.  I want to take this opportunity to examine one of the top free agents in this year’s pool.

Albert “Stomp-yo-head” Haynesworth is a 320 pound, 6’6” defensive tackle who has played his entire career with the Tennessee Titans.  Albert is a real junkyard dog.  He’ll stomp on your head and laugh about it…he’ll tell you your mom sucks, and then push you down.  Albert will make fun of the style of facemask you’ve chosen to attach to your helmet and then sack your quarterback, because he don’t care, you know?

Seeing as how Albert is looking for a nine-figure contract, I figured I should do my part for any team who’s looking to land him and examine a picture.  I wouldn’t want a team offering up that kind of cash without knowing all the facts. 

Right off the bat I can tell you, Albert has a serious hearing problem.  This may not be a deal breaker for a team, because with the things they can do in medical science these days, they'll likely put some hearing aids in his ears.  My grandfather has hearing aids and they seem to restore hearing to normal levels, so how this issue will affect his free agent stock remains to be seen.

Everything else looks pretty good on this guy.  There is that thing about the uncontrolable rage that caused him to dig his cleats into the top of a players head for no reason.  I guess in his defense, the guy was laying on the ground with his helmet off and his back turned.  What else are you supposed to do, help the guy up?  Any player worth his salt in this league stomps that head.

25 Random Things About Jared Allen

As many of us hip and cool people know, Facebook is an essential part of everyday life for millions of Americans.  The new, hip and cool thing to do on Facebook is a 25 Random Things About Me survey. I just found Jared Allen’s.

25 Random Things About Me, 

1        In grade 4, an eye doctor told me that I needed glasses.  After getting a pair, I popped out the lenses, grinded them down on the pavement during my recesses to form a shiv and stabbed Blake Davis, the school bully, in the balls with them.

        2     I have a terrible memory.  One time I forgot the pin to my bankcard, so when I was standing at the ATM, I had no way to get access to my $37,568,934.89.

        3      For Christmas, my teammates went together and bought me an adult man, like a human man, who now cleans up my stuff and kind of just chills at my house.

        4       My Christmas present used to cook me meals, but he mostly just microwaved hot pockets, so I told him to stop.

        5         I’m a huge David Archuleta fan.  I don’t like his music; I’m a fan of how crappy he sounds. 

        6       I love building things.  Last off-season, I spent 3 months building extra fingers for my hands.  

        7      My favorite food is Nachos

        8        I went the first 24 years of my life without a cell phone, when I finally got one a few years ago and it had a 2 mp camera in it. 

        9      When I was a kid, I wanted a dog so bad, that I taped a picture of a dog on the inside of my dad, Hulk Hogan’s bathroom sliding pocket door, so he had to look at it while he combed his yellow hair.

10.  10    I hate Goster Chelilis because he sucks at football, not because he is fat.

11.  11     I have hands as big as a large German pancake.

12.  12     I wrote a book about football called, Aaron Rodgers:  That Guy Sucks.

13.  13       Yesterday, I killed a Badger and a Wolverine with a glue stick, some sand paper, and an unlit cigarette.

14.  14      Fruit makes me puke.

15.  15     I own the entire city of New Haven, Connecticut.

16.  16       I was one of the coaches on The Ultimate Fighter 7: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest.  I was Forrest.

17.  17      Three words…I     Don’t     Poop.

18.  18    I was a hitman on the side, for the first 2 seasons of my career.

19   19      I have produced two movies, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Robot Monster, a comedy about a robot named Mr. Iron Bottom, who looks like a gorilla.  Mr. Iron Bottom has to be Santa Clause for a year, when Santa suffers a grade 3 knee sprain in a wakeboarding accident.  The robot monster finds himself in a predicament with sexy consequences.

22   20     I spend all my free time thinking of new, better ways to kill badgers and wolverines using a bottle of salsa and crushed up tortilla chips.

21   21      I once watched an entire season of Home Improvement on dvd, over a two-day period.  I had diarrhea for 4 days afterward and ever since then, when I hear Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ husky voice, I suffer a small stroke. 

22.  22      My favorite color is camouflage with blood on it.

23.  23      I made Coach Childress promise me he’d never look me directly in my eyes.

24   24      When I buy a new vehicle, the only criteria is that it can easily drive over, and render immobile, punter Chris Kluwe’s silver, 2007 Dodge Charger.

25   25     After the Pro Bowl, I vacationed in Bossaso, Somalia, where I went on a pirate ship tour and we captured an Israeli ship full of Toyota Land Cruisers.  When I got home, I spent my share of the ransom money on an autographed photo of Fred Savage on the set of The Wonder Years and 32,345 shares of the S&P 500 index. 

NFL Combine Wonderlic Test

The Wonderlic test is given to NFL prospects at the NFL scouting combine.  It is a logic test that tests how much mental capacity accompanies the physical skills that are on display.  The Wonderlic has 50 questions and 12 minutes to answer them with.

Here are the average scores by position:

OT-26

C-25

G-23

TE-22

QB-24

S-19

LB-19

CB-18

WR-17

FB-17

HB-16

Some interesting scores:

Vince Young, 6

Ryan Fitzpatrick, 38

Kevin Curtis, 48

Eli Manning, 38

Donovan McNabb, 14

Tony Romo, 37

Tom Brady, 33

Brady Quinn, 29

Dan Marino, 15

Michael Vick’s Broham, Marcus Vick, 11

It doesn’t seem like a players general intelligence has a direct correlation to football skill, but I can understand teams wanting to know if they just gave a moron $20 million guaranteed.

I’m sure all this Wonderlic talk has you itching to take a test yourself.  You can do so here and here.  Those links are the best I can find.  I must warn you though, they may not be very accurate.  If I believe the scores I received on those two tests, I would be a certifiable genius and if you read over some of the crap that came out of my brain and onto this blog, it is obvious that the tests are scoring a little high.

Barack Obama and Future Posting

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…that is not true of the pictures I have chosen to post on this blog, none-the-less, you have likely noticed the increased use of unauthorized photography on the blog lately.  I think it really livens the place up.  It brings a splash of color to its otherwise text filled existence.

I have also branched out into having words that have links on them.  Not the double underlined words, which if clicked on, puts 3 cents into my bank account, but for instance, if you click here, you will be taken to a link of my choosing.  All of these things are designed to increase your pleasure while visiting. 

In this week heading into free agency, I am hoping to have my blog topics jump out at me, because in all honest, since the season ended, I have been having trouble finding interesting things to write about.  I am looking for your assistance in this matter.  Please post your ideas in the comments section.

It’s for your own good, because if you don’t, you will be finding yourself reading a week long investigation into Tom Brady’s 15-year old looking physique, and strange skin pigmentation, as we delve deeper into his 2000 scouting combine photo.

The truth is, that no matter how good your ideas are, I may just write about that Tom Brady photo anyways, because the more I think about it, the more I want to take that east-coast playboy down a peg or two.  

Devin Moore and the NFL Combine

The NFL combine has finally come.  What a great time in history we live, when I can watch or opt not watch the future stars of the NFL weight lift and shuffle drill their way up the draft board on cable TV.  You know it wasn’t always like this.  I don’t remember when it wasn’t, but trust me, it wasn’t always like this.

I mean, it used to be that you got all of your information from your local newspapers sports section.  And Lord knows you certainly didn’t trust the guys on Sports center with the shiny suits and their expensive haircuts, high on cocaine and animal tranquilizers. 

My favorite combine drill, is the cornerback hip turn exercise, where they run backwards as fast as they can, turning their hips to the direction they are told.  At the end of the drill, a facilitator throws up a ball for them to simulate an interception and they either make the catch and run it back toward the end zone, or the ball bounces off their stone hands, revealing to the world the real reason they didn’t choose to be a wide receiver.

I have one important scouting combine update.

Devin Moore, running back out of Wyoming didn’t get a combine invite, so he held his own in Indy.  14 teams had reps there.  The kid ran a 4.4 40-yard dash.  I like it.  I’m going to remember his name, and see what happens on draft weekend.  He showed more heart in taking that initiative than 79% of players ever show. 

 

Since I do my NFL scouting based on photographs, I have a good read on this guy.  He has great down field vision, because he runs with his eyes really wide, his mouth guard is in all the way, which is good…good ball security, he wears those black arm things, so that’s important.  His pants don’t seem done up all the way, so that will be a concern heading into draft weekend and the major issue teams will see in him, is his affinity to face mask the opposing team while attempting to straight arm them. 

To prove my theory about judging based on photographs, I present to you a random photo from the 2000 scouting combine.  This player clearly cannot be successful at the NFL level.  Based on his photo, he suffers from low self worth, his body clearly won’t be able to handle NFL sized hits on his blindside, his shorts are grey, which is a huge red flag and his body looks dumb because he has terrible posture.  Based on this information, this player was drafted 199^th overall on draft day.  

It is Tom Brady for those of you who can't make out the image.

Brad Childress looks like...

Here are three photos.  One is the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings, one is the star of the highest rated television program of all time, Major Dad and the third is the conductor from the movie, Polar Express.

I know what you're thinking and I can't tell the difference between the three either.  I am pretty sure the guy on the right is Major Dad, because it is a signed photo and it is signed, Major Dad, but between the other two I'm pretty sure they are just impersonating this guy (on the left)...

his name is Fart Face, from a Saturday Night Live sketch.  

That's actually what I will call all of the three above from now on, especially Childress.

Jared Allen Video

Here's a Video of Jared Allen's 2008 season.  Try not to be distracted by the completely ridiculous music, this visually perfect, video montage is set to.   I don't want to bite the hand that feeds too hard, and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, this video sucks.

Forget it, I should just take this piece of crap off.  If you feel strongly one way or another, let me know in the comments.  I have no issues removing this link and denying whoever made this video the satisfaction of extra viewers.

I'll find a good video to post.  Check back soon.

Marshawn Lynch is Arrested Again

Marshawn Lynch doesn’t look like a very smart dude.  In fact, if you have ever played fantasy football, you have seen his head shot picture used to inform fantasy team managers that he is not actually human, he is a huge monster, with monster, Predator like hair, and a monster face, including weird metal teeth that look like they will bite you on your face.  Then again, for a football player, that’s not a bad look.

As if Bills fans didn’t face enough adversity last season on the field, Lynch keeps on committing crimes.  He should stay away from SUV’s because by that seems to be the common bond between last years hit and run, and this years loaded gun in the truck charges.

The man is 2 for 2 on getting arrested during the offseason.  He should come and hang with me for a few months; I’ll show him some good clean fun.   You know, watch some TV after supper, maybe a re-run of Two and a Half Men, check out a reality show after that, cap it off by going out for some nachos at Tony Roma’s.  And that’s just a week night, on the weekends we’d run some errands on Saturday, go out for dinner, maybe go to a friends house for some drinks after, maybe watch a movie.  Sunday, we would relax a little, take a nap, you know; really wind it down before a busy Monday.

Consider the offer extended Marshawn.   Also, bring whatever Xbox games you have, and an extra controller, I smell some late night video game sessions.

Free Agent QB's

This years free agent QB class includes such names as, Jeff “probably isn’t gay” Garcia, Kurt “baggy sleeves” Warner and Kerry “skeleton face” Collins .  Matt Cassel was nearly a free agent, but has now been franchised, but is still likely available through trade.

What does this mean?

Basically, it means that if your team is one of those who hasn’t had reliable play at QB for years, struggling with 2^nd rate, should be back-up, after 2^nd rate, should be back-up,  the kind of guys who’s stat line on Sunday reads, 13-32, 179 yards, 1 TD, 2 INT, then your strife may have ended.

Although, all but Cassel are on the downside of good careers, every one of them stands a decent chance of appearing on a Pro Bowl roster next year.  I am interested to see how it all shakes out.  

Any team could do worse than seeing a QB, wearing linebacker shoulder pads with Warner on the back of his jersey, running to midfield for the coin flip.  Add free agent T.J. Houshmandzadeh and you may have an instant offensive powerhouse, all for the price of 25 mill against the cap.  The only thing better than looking at that, is staring down the barrel of a loaded up tube steak with a Bud light in a plastic bottle to wash it down.

2009 Pro Bowl Festivities

I was in Honolulu for the festivities this weekend and have a few observations to pass on.

-I was wrong about Ray Ray’s belly.  After further consideration, it is a Hacksaw Jim Dugan-style muscle gut.  My apologies for the misunderstanding.

-Carolina ‘s WR, Steve Smith, has legs that belong attached to a 350-pound man.  I had the pleasure to stand behind him at one point this weekend and couldn’t believe the girth; they’re like the trunk of a North-Western Ontario Poplar.

The other thing about Steve Smith is that after American Idol star David Archeleda (I don’t care if I spelled that wrong) sang during Saturday’s practice, Steve walked over and chatted with him for five minutes.  I don’t know what they were saying, but whatever it was, I hope it was emotionally devastating for Archeleda. 

-The game was great to watch, lots of action, etc.  I can’t say enough about how fun it is being in Hawaii, seeing NFL’s biggest superstars.  Weird thing though, I’m pretty sure stadium upper decks aren’t supposed to sway in the wind.  Whoever build the Aloha Stadium might of used glue and Popsicle sticks to build their bleachers, because at various times this weekend, I was walking or sitting in the Stadium, and felt swaying. 

At one point during Sunday’s game, it was so bad that I planned out my best chance for survival, emergency maneuvers for the upper deck collapse scenario.  It included, in no particular order, standing, covering my head, silly putty, clearing a path, laying down under my seat, a book of matches, suing the state of Hawaii for millions and a dab of crazy glue .  That all turned out to be a waste of my time, as it didn't come down.

-Jared Allen’s forced fumble/ fumble recovery was pretty sexy.   Rodeo didn’t disappoint his fans, it fact, Rodeo impressed his fans.

-50% of everyone in the world is a Cowboys fan; the other 50% hate the Cowboys and like other teams from different centers across mainland United States.

-There was a guy in my hotel from Pittsburg.  He was there with his son, because he promised his son that if the Steelers won the Super Bowl, they’d go to Hawaii.  You must be thinking, what a great Dad.   What if I told you, I saw that guy 3 different days this weekend, most recently this morning and each time He was, A, Drunk, B, wearing a Steelers, Super Bowl Champions shirt (same one everyday), C, wearing short swim trunks and D, wearing steel toe work boots that came up to his mid-calf.  Steeler’s fans suck, I always knew it, but now I know that I was always right.

Sorry for the days without a post.  I’ll make it up to each and every one of you.

Jared Allen's Pro Bowl

Jared Allen and his Vikings teammates had a huge game today, but as I am currently using a pay-per-minute, internet service at my Hawaiian hotel, you'll neet to wait until Tuesday to hear more.

QB sacks are fun to watch

One of my favorite things in the game of football is the QB sack. Depending on which side of the ball you are cheering for at that moment, there is nothing more devastating or exciting to watch.  It is tremendously satisfying to watch a pocket collapse, and the QB go down.  The image is often so dramatic.  The QB gets crowded, and then he flails, fighting to stay on his feet, only to be thrown to the ground.  If you’ve ever been to an NFL game live, you know what I’m talking about.  The crowd noise as your Defense waits for the ball to snap and volume in the building, if your team brings the QB down.  

The best play imaginable for me is a defensive player coming around the edge, turning the corner around the OT, then planting his shoulder square in the QB’s back.  Better yet, if it’s in the end zone.  These are the thoughts that keep me warm during the long offseason.  These are also the things that put 694 million dollars in a Bank of America account, belonging to Jared Allen.

All of this reminiscing was brought on by Arizona’s Darnell Dockett’s Super Bowl performance, which is tied for the best ever. 

I just got back from golfing, here is Hawaii, and the five hours in the sun has left me no energy to think of anything humorous to add to this post.  Today, you just get the cold, hard facts.  I only lied once in the writing of this post, and it was on Jared Allen’s salary.  I considered writing in his actual salary, but decided against it.  I get more honest, the more tired I get.   

Ray Lewis at the Pro Bowl

Ray Lewis is in Hawaii, for his 20th consecutive Pro Bowl.  He is like a dad to many players in the league.  He shows them stuff, like what financial advisers to talk with, whether to lease or buy the Bentley, he answers questions like, house or condo?, He shows the players cool ways to wear their hair, how low to wear their pants and he tells them about hip new shoes they could wear, what hot jams should be blairing over their trucks radios, how big the face of your watch should be and he's always got the pulse on the hottest celebrity gossip.  Some people call him the NFL's Godfather.  I call his the NFL's Doggfather, because he's cool like Snoop.

I love Ray Lewis, but there is something that I need to get off my chest.  I'm going to grab a good look for myself on Sunday, but I'm pretty sure Ray-Ray is running around with a dad gut.  At first I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, thinking of it as a Hulk Hoganesque muscle gut.  But after seeing him running around practice today, I'm 90% sure he's got a classic case of the old, solid/fat gut.  You know, the kind that if you punch, it doesn't move, it is just a big firm belly.  He is pushing 40, so it isn't that big of a deal, but I thought I'd mention it none-the-less.

Aloha.

The Upcoming Off-Season

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but the football season is done.  Except for the Pro Bowl, which doesn’t really count.  All I can hope for there is Adrian Peterson to bust an eighty yarder to provide me with one last flash of excitement before seven long months of nothing.  Actually, the best-case scenario would be Bill Belicheck (I don’t care if I spell his name wrong), standing on the sideline and two players bowl into his knees at full speed, a la, Charlie Weiss.  That is the perfect cap to a good year of football.

I shouldn’t say “months of nothing”.  I will have hours, upon hours of scowering the World Wide Web for rumors of trade information and free agent visits made to my favorite teams.  That’s always extremely rewarding, and a very effective use of my free time.  I can think back to last year, where I actually lost an hour of sleep to excitement over the thought of Derek Anderson joining the Vikings.  In hindsight, that hour would have been better spent sleeping. 

What will this year’s off-season hold?  Jared Allen will do some fishing, I’ll write about it.  Transformers 2 will be released, I’ll see it.  If only most other sports didn’t suck so much, I’d have more to do after football.  There’s always hockey playoffs…lord knows what watching the regular season is like though.

I’ll keep you all posted on what I’ve found to fill my time in these football-less days.  Feel free to comment your own plans below. 

Last Pro Bowl in Hawaii

In my lengthy conversation with 3 Hawaiian bartenders, I now am 95% certain that the Hawaiian people have love for 2 things in the sports world.  One is the NFL.  The Raiders and the 49ers being the teams of choice in these parts.  The second is UFC superstar BJ Penn.

Think about the information I have just given you, and realize with me, the painful life they must be living this week.  Basically they have been screwed, football wise for a decade.  Then BJ Penn loses to GSP on Saturday night.  If all of this wasn’t bad enough to cause a man to dive head first into a big blender jug full of pre-made Pina Colada mix, I had to inform one of my new acquaintances, that this was the last year for the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.

What could the NFL be thinking?  From next year forth, the event will be held the week before the Super Bowl, in the Super Bowl city.  Two things right off the bat…

-No player in the Super Bowl will play for obvious reasons.   

-In 2010, the Pro Bowl will be in Indianapolis.  How many players will hop on the plane to frigid Indianapolis at the end of January?  Do you think Clinton Portis owns a toque?...Hells No.   It seems like the NFL has a hard enough time getting players out to Hawaii each year. 

Miami seems, at first glance, to be the best of the mainland locations for this trial run.  A tropical climate, a party strip in South Beach, the great shopping, the fact that it is fast becoming one of North America’s Mecca’s for homosexuality, etc.  But, judging by the disproportionate amount of DUI’s that occur there by NFL players vs. any other city on earth, the thought of Miami’s vibrant blue and pink may conjure up too many bad memories to allow an extra visit next year.  Plus, many of the players call Miami home and if you’re going to smash up a Bentley, why not do it on a holiday, in somebody else’s town.  

I guess time will reveal the answer to this debate.  One thing that I know, Jared Allen would rather have the Pro Bowl in Hawaii.  I read that today, and I believe everything I read.  So should you… see Detroit Uniform changes below.

Super Bowl Was Most Watched Ever

Although it is not yet official, it appears that this years Super Bowl was not only the most watched Super Bowl, but the most watched television program ever.  It will narrowly overtake the series finally of M*A*S*H, the season 2 season premier of Two and a Half Men, and the television premier of the movie House Guest, starring Sinbad, which were previously tied for first place.

We all know what this means, there are a hundred million people around he world that think Santonio Holmes is the greatest receiver of all time, followed closely by Larry Fitz (which isn't far from the truth actually).  One benefit to that many people watching the broadcast, is an enormous number of people now know the truth about John Madden.  I'm sure everyone watching was reminded of their aging grandfather on the verge of losing his mind.  Is it too much to ask of our commentators to get the first names of the players correct?  What is Boldin's first name again?  Don't ask Madden, I think he called him Anthony two times.

Back to the movie House Guest for a moment, I think for a movie that provided us all with the nickname "ST3", for anyone named Steve, it gets far too little respect.  And what has happened to Sinbad?  last thing I heard, he was standing in line, two people in front of my friend Gareth, waiting to open up a bank account in a San Fernando Valley Wells Fargo.

The Super Bowl, and My Distractions

Please accept my sincerest apologies in advance for my sporadic posts over the next two weeks.  I am currently in assignment, covering the 2009 Pro Bowl festivities.  I am trying my hardest to get the inside scoop, as they say, but it may be hard because for the time being I am on the wrong island.  I will note however, that I had a wonderful talk with a local bartender named Jason, who is a 49ers fan. 

How about that Super Bowl?  I have watched very little television, so I am currently benefitting form absolutely no thought corruption brought on by listening to analysts tearing apart the game over and over, for days on end.  So I have a few original thoughts to share, although I recognize that since everyone watched the same thing on Sunday, we may share common opinions.  Although, my Super Bowl started at 1:30 pm.

-Larry Fitz, is a maniac, who’s sweat should be bottled up, mixed into a cologne, and sold for $100 a bottle, like Garth Brooks did in the mid 90’s. 

-How do you not review a change of possession in the last 10 seconds during the Super Bowl?  It looked like a fumble to me, but what is the harm in a booth review. 

-Santonio Holmes is the MVP?  Nice job.  It is cool for a tier 2, WR to receive such an honor.  That’s like Bobby Wade, or Mike Furry getting the keys to the Hybrid Escalade.  My Prediction for next year… who ever the back up tight end in Baltimore is. 

-By my count, Bud spent 9 million dollars on horse commercials that didn’t even make me smile once. 

I will post again in the near future.  I feel rushed, because the only Wi-Fi signal I can get from the house I am in is from a source called “Margaret”, which I believe to be the next-door neighbor’s signal.  I know the neighbors name is Margaret, so I am fairly certain.  Her signal however, gets turned on and off throughout the day, so I have a narrow window with which to execute my post.