Tuesday, February 24, 2009

25 Random Things About Jared Allen

As many of us hip and cool people know, Facebook is an essential part of everyday life for millions of Americans.  The new, hip and cool thing to do on Facebook is a 25 Random Things About Me survey. I just found Jared Allen’s.

25 Random Things About Me, 

1        In grade 4, an eye doctor told me that I needed glasses.  After getting a pair, I popped out the lenses, grinded them down on the pavement during my recesses to form a shiv and stabbed Blake Davis, the school bully, in the balls with them.

        2     I have a terrible memory.  One time I forgot the pin to my bankcard, so when I was standing at the ATM, I had no way to get access to my $37,568,934.89.

        3      For Christmas, my teammates went together and bought me an adult man, like a human man, who now cleans up my stuff and kind of just chills at my house.

        4       My Christmas present used to cook me meals, but he mostly just microwaved hot pockets, so I told him to stop.

        5         I’m a huge David Archuleta fan.  I don’t like his music; I’m a fan of how crappy he sounds. 

        6       I love building things.  Last off-season, I spent 3 months building extra fingers for my hands.  

        7      My favorite food is Nachos

        8        I went the first 24 years of my life without a cell phone, when I finally got one a few years ago and it had a 2 mp camera in it. 

        9      When I was a kid, I wanted a dog so bad, that I taped a picture of a dog on the inside of my dad, Hulk Hogan’s bathroom sliding pocket door, so he had to look at it while he combed his yellow hair.

10.  10    I hate Goster Chelilis because he sucks at football, not because he is fat.

11.  11     I have hands as big as a large German pancake.

12.  12     I wrote a book about football called, Aaron Rodgers:  That Guy Sucks.

13.  13       Yesterday, I killed a Badger and a Wolverine with a glue stick, some sand paper, and an unlit cigarette.

14.  14      Fruit makes me puke.

15.  15     I own the entire city of New Haven, Connecticut.

16.  16       I was one of the coaches on The Ultimate Fighter 7: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest.  I was Forrest.

17.  17      Three words…I     Don’t     Poop.

18.  18    I was a hitman on the side, for the first 2 seasons of my career.

19   19      I have produced two movies, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Robot Monster, a comedy about a robot named Mr. Iron Bottom, who looks like a gorilla.  Mr. Iron Bottom has to be Santa Clause for a year, when Santa suffers a grade 3 knee sprain in a wakeboarding accident.  The robot monster finds himself in a predicament with sexy consequences.

22   20     I spend all my free time thinking of new, better ways to kill badgers and wolverines using a bottle of salsa and crushed up tortilla chips.

21   21      I once watched an entire season of Home Improvement on dvd, over a two-day period.  I had diarrhea for 4 days afterward and ever since then, when I hear Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ husky voice, I suffer a small stroke. 

22.  22      My favorite color is camouflage with blood on it.

23.  23      I made Coach Childress promise me he’d never look me directly in my eyes.

24   24      When I buy a new vehicle, the only criteria is that it can easily drive over, and render immobile, punter Chris Kluwe’s silver, 2007 Dodge Charger.

25   25     After the Pro Bowl, I vacationed in Bossaso, Somalia, where I went on a pirate ship tour and we captured an Israeli ship full of Toyota Land Cruisers.  When I got home, I spent my share of the ransom money on an autographed photo of Fred Savage on the set of The Wonder Years and 32,345 shares of the S&P 500 index. 


  1. I hope the above post is funny, because you would not believe how long it took me to write it.

  2. I heard dat da Nachos had blood in them and the Camoflauge clothing had Cheese & Beans stains on dem. Did you mix dat one up der.
    -@DaSuperfanss on Twitter

  3. I'm so many years late on this but it is golden. You can buy a female who does mundane daily tasks for you too. Just if you're going to sexually harass her at least be funny.