2009 Preseason

Preseason Schedules were released today.  As a seasoned, obsessed NFL fan, I knew it came out, sure…Did it get me excited?  No.  Did I look it over?  Sure I did.

I have one thing to say about the preseason.  It is the time of year, when in 2008, the Detroit Lions went undefeated, The Patriots were in a tizzy because Matt Cassel looked terrible and no one knew what the Pats would do if Brady went down with an injury, and Adrian Peterson had 12 rushes for 21 yards against the Steelers and looked like he would have an average 2008.

Here it is…look it over, check your team out, and then take my advice, forget you ever saw it.  Then come August, flick on the tube and watch your teams practice squad players fly around, missing tackles like they are in the CFL. 

You might say, “who am I watching, the Calgary Stampeders”?  No, no, that’s the Kansas City Chiefs 4^th string middle linebacker,  he sucks.

It hit me recently that I have spent a significant amount of time talking about some of the idiots who play football lately.  I guess it is fun and easy to make fun of those guys.  I mean, there is a good chance that during the day today we will find out that a player drove drunk this weekend, or stabbed his wife in the arm with a BBQ fork.  Instead of looking at those events, today I want to say a few things about why football is the greatest sport on earth. 

Remember in the 2007 season playoffs (might have been 2006), when the Eagles and the Saints played.  Sheldon Brown cracked Reggie Bush in the backfield after a swing pass.  Reggie Bush crawled to the sidelines and even though I was cheering for the Saints that game, it was easy to love. 

I was in the stands at the end of November last year, and watched QB Gus Ferotte, from his own end zone, throw the football as hard as he possibly could.  Berrian ran at full speed, and hauled in what would become a 99-yard catch.    The place went bonkers.  If that isn’t crazy enough, what if I told you that that play was the first offensive play after the Vikings stopped the Bears 4 times in a row with the ball on their own 1 yard line? 

Staying with the Vikings for a moment.  Adrian Peterson busting it around the right side against the Packers, 2:00 left in the 4^th quarter, this year was amazing.  Singlehandedly winning the game and sending Packer fans home on their 6 hour drive, sad and lonely.  Football friggen rules.

I also have a memory from last year, where I came home late from somewhere, turned on the television to see if the Pats, Jets game was still on, and witnessed the Pats come from behind on the last drive to tie up the game and send it to overtime.  Cassel to Moss with a couple seconds left.  Crazy stuff.  I hate the Pats, but if you love football, you can’t hate that game.

I am calling April, the ‘I love football’ month.  I will attempt only positive, football loving stories for the entire month.  I just hope the players co-operate and don’t do anything too stupid.

T.O. and Cutler again

Terrell Owens is being honored this evening, in Washington, D.C by the Alzheimer’s Association. 

Believe it or not, I actually like Terrell Owens, but him being honored by anyone other than an anti-McNabb fan club, seems a little strange to me.  I mean no disrespect to the organization or to anyone with the disease, but the obvious joke goes something like… “Did they forget that T.O. is an asshole”? 

You see it’s funny because Alzheimer’s really does makes you forget things like that.

I read this morning that the Broncos wanted to trade Cutler because the new staff questions his intelligence and thinks he consumes too much alcohol.  This is a legitimate concern, because Cutler has type 1 diabetes, and any alcohol would affect his health to a certain extent. 

I have said on here before that pictures tell the whole story.

Based on this one, I'd say Jay Cutler is a 39 year old lesbian woman.  As for the alcohol accusations, I don't see any evidence to give a reason to be alarmed. 

2008 Season Games here I come

I have some extremely important news to relay through the internet.  Tonite, the internet has given me a gift I will not soon forget.  Through the power of the World Wide Web, I have downloaded a program that makes the IP address of my computer invisible to the universe.  Although I don't understand much of that crap, what it means to me is that I will no longer receive a message that videos are not available in my area, when trying to watch tv shows online.  Most importantly, it will help me fulfill what I feel is my duty as an NFL fan and subscribe to NFL.com's 2008 rewind, where I can watch every 2008 NFL game in HD.  

There is little doubt in my mind that after a week of watching some bits and pieces here and there, I will feel it is a waste of money and cancel the service.  That's not the point.  The point is that I have the ability.  What a wonderfully giving, safe and friendly World Wide Web.

2009 Wonderlic Leaked

It’s that time of year again.  I’m not talking about the buzz around the NFL draft, the failing sump pumps, flooded ditches (in Canada), march madness, or Brett Favre watch #6, I’m talking about the annual event where some guy in a teams front office calls a reporter and faxes over the confidential wonderlic test scores that were hand delivered to his desk.

Before getting to the actual scores, I will stress again that the scores are not sent out to everyone in a teams front office.  If that were true, than I would look toward the scouts every time.  Either the scouts or the assistant equipment manager, those two are the worst at keep secrets.  In fact the scores are couriered to the teams G.M. or head of player personnel.  If it leaks, it’s from there.

Some Notable test results are,

Matt Stafford, 38            Mark Sanchez, 28            Josh Freeman, 27           

Kevin Barnes, 41            Arizona's Eben Britton, 31             Virginia's Eugene Monroe , 24

Baylor's Jason Smith, 23            Ole Miss's Michael Oher , 19           

USC's Clay Matthews, 27            USC's Brian Cushing, 23           

Michigan's Louis Delmas , 12

 

Andre Smith, who has had his fair share of negative press leading up to the draft, scored a 17.  While that is neither impressive, nor shockingly low, I think the fact that his score wasn’t between 5-10 is surprising to a lot of people.  I’d add more scores, but truth be told, they are not very interesting.  It not like news about mop handle beatings or drunk driving manslaughter.    

Cornell Green and Daunte Stallworth are Morons

I have not been able to write for the blog lately.  I was at my cabin over the weekend building a gigantic dock that will house my father’s gigantic boat for decades to come.  Now that I am back in town, I have a strong desire to post the best material ever written in blog history.  Truthfully, I don’t have time to put that much effort into the post today, so we will all have to settle for something that falls into the categories, moderately entertaining or slightly humorous.

Lets talk about idiot football players and their inability to take normal person vacations or off-seasons.  Dante Stallworth, for instance considers getting plastered and driving his $200,000 Bentley into a Cuban guys legs his idea of a good winter vacation.  Now, for retirement he is looking at 10 years in a concrete room, lifting weights in the yard with a phone book taped around his kidneys to protect against the sharpened toothbrushes. 

For my winter vacation I went to Hawaii… I went surfing.  When I had a few pina coladas too many, I left the rented Sebring convertible alone.  I bet Daunte Stallworth got an 8 on his wonderlic test.

Next is Cornell Green.  This guy, who I’ve never heard of before, hit his “baby mama” with the aluminum handle of a mop.  C’mon, when faced with a situation where you are mad at someone, 98% of the world population decides against picking up a long hard object and smoking someone with it.  This should be handled the old fashioned way.  The baby mama gets 3 free shots on him anywhere she wants.  I hope she chooses two right to the “how’s she doing”, followed by another to the “how’s she doing”, only harder.

On the last paragraph, my joke was calling Green’s girlfriend and mother of his children, “baby mama”.  It may not translate well over the Internet, but since I am a 28-year-old white guy in Canada, calling someone a “baby mama” is sort of humorous.

Breaking News, Rosenhaus get the deal done

Jay Cutler has just been traded to the 1998 Vancouver Grizzlies, in exchange for Mike Bibby and a draft pick to be named at a later date.  The move comes only 24 hours after he dumped former agent Bus Cook in favor of hot shit agent Drew Rosenhaus.   Basically, Drew Rosenhaus gets crap like this done in his sleep.  Under Rosenhaus' direction, Cutler will likely hold out during off season workouts, alienate his teammates through locker room comments throughout the year, hold out for a new contract again next year and then again in 2011.

Reports are that Cutler is fired up to wear the Grizzlies teal uniform with the weird symbols around the arm and neck holes.  

The Patriots, Jay Cutler and Marshawn Lynch

Quickly running down today’s headlines,

-Just when I think I don’t need to worry about the Patriots any more, they start trying to sign Julius Peppers.  I hate everything about the Pats.  Their coach, their QB, surprisingly, even their linebackers annoy me, the cutoff sweatshirts (going back to the coach), watching Wes Welker run around makes me mad, Randy Moss is OK Though, but everyone else sucks.  This off seasons acquisitions seemingly has the team stacked again, and that is without Peppers, add him in and they will probably be in the AFC game again.  I think they have picked up every free agent, former Pro Bowl player in the league over the age of 35, this year.  When Holt starts making visits, I bet he’ll land with the Pats.  The Pats will go after him hard because they have a tape of the Super Bowl walk through with Holt running his patterns so crisp and clean.

-Cutler will probably get his trade.  I think it will take his future teams QB and two first rounders.  That said, If I’m a GM, I seriously consider it if I’m employed by any team in the NFC North (except Green Bay), actually, instead of listing teams who should consider Cutler, it is easier to say, unless you have Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Big Ben, or Drew Brees, you should be looking into it.  That said, I think Minnesota better get their Diabetes meds ready, cause a Type 1’s coming to town.

-Marshawn Lynch loves driving with guns in his truck.  He also loves to hit pedestrians with his truck as they cross the street in front of him.  He looks like a scary monster.  The commissioner is going to look into his frightening, wolf like eyes and suspend him for 2 games in the ’09 season.  That will be a huge loss for the Bills, who also will receive a huge loss two season’s from now, when T.O. tells Trend Edwards he sucks, throws Gatorade on Lee Evans and tries to kill himself again.  The last one there was admittedly over the line, but I’m leaving it in.

Jay Cutler Trade Talk

I don’t know what it is about the Jay Cutler situation that I like so much.  It is likey not football related, more just the drama of it all.

A first year head coach attempts to trade his teams star QB a month into his job.  Whether that is a good decision or not, I am not really qualified to say.  It sure sounds stupid, it actually sounds like the dumbest thing any coach could ever do, let’s be honest here.  If you talk about trading your star player, you better trade him or there’s going to be a lot of upset people in the organization, not the mention the fans.

Then there’s Cutler, walking around all sad, shoulders sagging like Charlie Brown.  I think his brain’s got diabetes, because normal adults don’t whine for this long after our ego gets checked.  I know it would be insulting for your team to seek trades in order to get another QB, but your actions become questionable when you mope around about it for 2 weeks.  That said, I’m glad he is acting like little 6^th grade boy, pouting about getting picked second last for recess basketball, because his friend Mason Medinski was one of the captains picking teams and he thought that he should have been picked first.  It makes for a far more entertaining free agency period.

Even though Cutler could have sucked it up by now, I feel the fault lies in Head Coach, Josh McDaniels’ initial attempt to trade Cutler and bring in Matt Cassel.  First of all, Id rather have Cutler any day.  Secondly, what’s next, trade Brandon Marshall, so you can bring in that future star Desean Jackson?  Cutler made the ProBowl last year, Cassel played good in a handful of games and who knows how much of that was Moss either bailing him out with his ball skills, or Moss drawing double teams so there were easy passes elsewhere.

Whatever the case, keep on duking it out boys,  I’ll be here reading.  What’s that Jay, you’re selling your house in Denver?... oh, it’s just a second home, not your primary residence…what’s that, your parents are selling there house too?  I guess you guys are both just trying to take advantage of the super hot real-estate market in America right now.  You’re just cashing in while the getting’s good?..or…

I love it.

Pacman, Smith, Henry and T.J.

Someone commented on a previous post, that T.J. Housh… decided not to join the Minnesota Vikings, because he was introduced to their old/possibly future QB, Jackson and presumably lost all interest in the team.  I read the same rumors over the last few days, and think it probably has more to do with the money in Seattle.  Then again, if the Vikes were actually toting T-Jax as their QB, T.J. likely had visions of the endless 5 yard in routes, and the occasional quick slant pass on his back shoulder and figured, screw this, I’m hooking up with “expedia” Hasselbeck.

In moron news, I read about three morons yesterday. 

-Andre Smith, future rookie OT, skipped the combine practices last month after showing up to just the interviews, then at his pro day he stinks it up, running a 5.28-40.  Nice work, I think it’s time to stop listening to whoever is giving you your advice.  That person sucks at giving advice.

-Pacman Jones got in a fight while filming for Spike tv’s “pro’s vs. Joes”.  The fight might have been exaggerated to get ratings, but the fact that he would even consider a ratings grabbing fight shows what an dumb, dumb, man he must be.  Pacman, you don’t have a job and you are trouble wherever you go, why add fake fights to the list of real fights?  They all get mixed together and teams think you fight a lot.  Stop it.

-Travis Henry has 9 kids, by 9 different women and owes $170,000 each year in child support.  He also doesn’t have a job, because he likes drugs more than football.  Oh yeah, he is also house arrest, because he got caught trafficking cocaine.

Matt Cassel

Matt Cassel was traded to the Chiefs for a second round pick.  That seems a little low considering it looked like teams were lining up to give away a first rounder for a new franchise QB.  What makes things even stranger is that for the second rounder, the Chiefs not only got Cassel, but also, either Mike Vrabel or Tedy Bruschi was traded as well.  I hate the Pats, and those two names seem like the same person to me. (to be honest, until I looked up the spelling 20 seconds ago, I could have sworn there was a “k” at the end of Bruschi)

I know that the old GM in Boston is the new GM in Kansas City, but there couldn’t be something shady going on here could there?  I mean, the Pats wouldn’t ever do something below the table to help an old friend would they?  Belichick is a stand up guy, I’m sure he’d never screw over another team. 

I don’t really mind, because KC could use all the help they can get, but lets play fair, gentlemen.

Belichick, can you just stop acting like such a Douch?

Jared Allen in Iraq and Jay Cutler

Right now, Jared Allen is in Iraq, motivating the American soldiers by giving them advise that only an NFL veteran can give, like remember to duck really low behind thing while being shot at, make the most out of meal times, remember to have cool things written on the top of their helmets (usually with the word kill), always carry a picture of your girl back home and Rodeo always gives the best tips about shooting guns.

Back in America, Broncos QB is doing something much more important, he’s ignoring his team because his feelings are hurt.  Before you criticize him, remember that he has diabetes and has hair like one of the beatles.  I also remember seeing a video of him driving an H2 Hummer, so that brings along a whole new set of issues right there.

Apparently when QB Matt Cassel was being shopped around, the Broncos made a strong effort to get him on board.  Cutler took obvious offence to that, seeing as how he’s the franchise QB and the Broncos don’t make good enough food for there to be two cooks in that kitchen.  Now Cuter ignores phone calls from the club’s owner and during a conference call that he did get on the horn for, Josh McDaniels, the head coach told Cutler that they don’t want to trade him, but they could whenever they want.

So Cutler’s pissed, the coach sounds like a moron, the owner can’t get his QB on the phone, and Cassel plays for the 3^rd worst team in the NFL, which by the way doesn’t have Randy Moss on it, so that means Cassel will look like Dan Orlovski on the field this year.

My guess…this will result in no action by anyone, and Cutler will throw 29 TD’s next season.  If something is going to happen, it will be before or on Draft weekend, so I’ll stay ready.

Free Agency

Free agency is a great thing to watch.  You get to see the frenzy of activity in the first weekend.  The biggest names making huge money, slightly lower profile guys making less money and the veterans, who one year before were fantasy stars, are left without a team to play for.

Marvin Harrison is polishing his limited edition handguns at home right now, and somewhere in a condo in Minnesota, Darren Sharper is laying in a hyperbolic chamber, desperately trying to take years off of his body, as tears fill his eyes.  In addition to those guys, LT is likely on the move if he doesn’t take a pay cut.  Things in football are crazy. 

Oakland will likely give 40 million dollar contract to both of those guys.

Where have I been?

I received a few emails asking where I have been for a week.  

The reason for no posts, is my good friend broke his neck in a hockey accident last weekend.  Since that day, I have not felt much like trying to write anything entertaining.

I will resume my quest for blogging immortality on Monday.