Super Bowl Time

When Jared Allen lined up across from Kurt “going to the super bowl” Warner on December 14^th, this last year, he threw the old sack of potatoes down twice for sacks.   Next year when Jared Allen’s Vikings play the Pitteesburg Steelers, Jared Allen will get two and a half sacks and one forced fumble on Ben “motocyclette” Roethlisberger. 

Warner and Roethlisberger are going to the Super Bowl.  All of us here at www.thejaredallen.blogspot.com are happy for the two teams.  Except the Steelers...really would have liked to see the ravens win that game.

Correction to Jared Allen's Offseason Post

There was an error made in the post below," Jared Allen's Offseason".  I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote that JA Slept in a quinsy and ate pickles.  Clearly the correct information is, Jared Allen spent his nights at the ice fishing derby, Sleeping in a little cave, next to a hibernating black bear.

And there is no way all he had to eat was pickles from a jar.  Jared Allen ate owls, which he caught with his fishing net as they flew by. 

Hope that is better.

Jared Allen's Offseason

A lot of people have been asking me what Jared Allen is up too so far this offseason.  I thought I’d give a quick update.

Immediately after the Minnesota Vikings loss to the Eagles on Wild Card Weekend, JA went north, up to Lake of the Woods, Ontario, where he participated in a small ice fishing derby. Although he did not win, he did catch a two walleye, 4 small mouth bass, and a shark, which is quite rare for those parts.  He slept in quinsy, made of packed snow, and only ate pickles from a jar the entire time he was there.

Since then, Jared Allen has been spending his time in Los Angeles, California, pursuing his dream of acting in film and television.  In the past few weeks, JA has starred as Jake’s teacher, in Two and a Half Men, the cool new student in the CW’s , 90210,  had a guest hosting role on ABC’s, The View, and auditioned for the part of Cordell “Cord” Walker’s sidekick, James “Jimmy” Trivette, for the remake of Walker Texas Ranger.

Jared Allen Nickname Highlights

When coming up with Jared’s nickname, we must be fair to Jared.  We will have a poll, and the first suggestion to get 50 votes will become the official Jared Allen nickname, for life.

I have a few ideas, including two suggestions from the comments on the previous post.

-TEX

-RODEO

-CRAZY

-LUMBERJACK

I reserve the right to add late entries to the list.  

History in the Making

I strongly believe that, in order for this blog to capture the level of cultural relevance that I hope someday it can achieve, I have to do something within these pages, so incredible that it forces its way into the everyday lives of our society.   It is this vision, for www.thejaredallen.blogspot.com to burn its mark on this crazy world, which leads me, with scorching hot enthusiasm[1] to announce my intentions to give Jared Allen a nickname. 

This nickname will not be some, off the top of my head, poorly conceptualized new handle for Jared Allen.  The nickname will be one that is known throughout the football world someday.  This is why I cannot take this task lightly.  In fact I am taking this responsibility so seriously that I don’t have the slightest clue what the nickname will be.  I’ll be honest; I don’t even know where to begin.

However, I am the right man for the job.  In my youth, I was responsible for naming the gently bending 4 lane freeway, which merged Bishop Grandin Blvd and Keneston Blvd, “The Bish-Ken Curve” and even though no-one uses that name, that doesn’t discount the quality of the naming.

As you read, I am hard at work, thinking and I will not stop thinking until I have the perfect nickname.  Feel free to comment and give me some suggestions.

 

 

[1] Phrase used by a friend JR in a job application cover letter.

Jared Allen, Dan Orlovsky and Joe Flacco

Even though the Minnesota Vikings are out of the playoffs, Joe Flacco loosely referenced Jared Allen, and his team in his post game interview on Sunday.  At one point during the game, Flacco rolled to his right in his own end zone, nearly stepping out of bounds while looking downfield for his receiver.  Flacco said, “ I almost pulled an Orlovsky”.

I love the fact that Detroit QB, Dan Orlovsky now defines the action of stepping out of bounds in your end zone for a safety.  There are two reasons Orlovsky pulled his, “Orlovsky”.  One, he is an inexperienced QB.  Two, Jared Allen was hunting him down, like Orlovsky was a pigeon living in JA’s garage and JA is fed up with the crap on the hood of his pick-up truck, so he goes inside to grab his .22… (I had a hard time thinking of a better, “Getting hunted down analogy”)

See it for yourself here

In any case, thanks to Jared Allen, Dan Orlovsky now joins the long list of things that are defined by other things.  For example, a necktie worn around your head, with the knot on the side means, “office party”.

One last item of business stemming from Sunday is that I have come to the conclusion that Jared Allen hates belts. His kit for Sunday’s TV appearance was mysteriously missing a belt, and since I have no evidence to suggest he likes, or doesn’t mind wearing belts, I will conclude that he sees no use for them, and hates them.

Jared Allen News, ESPN

I’ve got a few posts cooking for next week. They may, or may not include the following topics:  a new Jared Allen nickname, Jared Allen making Orlovsky pull his Orlovsky, how many carbs were in the chips I ate this weekend, Why even my dog hates Phillip Rivers, why in my dogs eyes, McNabb and Rivers are hard to tell apart and lastly, why those darn fuel prices fluctuate so much.

Before I get those topics and so many more, let me answer a few unknowns from last week.  Yes, JA had a mullet on TV this morning.  It looked sharp.  It was crisp, yet his stripes had grown in some, but all in all, he again showed why he was voted by Details Magazine as, the best-dressed athlete the last 3 years running.  Jared opted for the dual pleat brown pant with a striped white dress shirt.  Just like Jared, He was all business on top, yet look down and then, BAM…cowboy boots.

He gave insight into how to attack the Giants and Eagles with the outside pass rush.  I was struck by how calm Jared was calm in front of the camera.  I guess I should have expected it from a guy who worked his way through high school as the evening news anchor on Channel 5 WSAZ in Miami.