Free Agent, Albert Haynesworth

Being 15 hours away from the start of the 2009 season, which means the start of free agency is a very exciting time.  By this time tomorrow, many NFL teams will have a new superstar on their roster.  I want to take this opportunity to examine one of the top free agents in this year’s pool.

Albert “Stomp-yo-head” Haynesworth is a 320 pound, 6’6” defensive tackle who has played his entire career with the Tennessee Titans.  Albert is a real junkyard dog.  He’ll stomp on your head and laugh about it…he’ll tell you your mom sucks, and then push you down.  Albert will make fun of the style of facemask you’ve chosen to attach to your helmet and then sack your quarterback, because he don’t care, you know?

Seeing as how Albert is looking for a nine-figure contract, I figured I should do my part for any team who’s looking to land him and examine a picture.  I wouldn’t want a team offering up that kind of cash without knowing all the facts. 

Right off the bat I can tell you, Albert has a serious hearing problem.  This may not be a deal breaker for a team, because with the things they can do in medical science these days, they'll likely put some hearing aids in his ears.  My grandfather has hearing aids and they seem to restore hearing to normal levels, so how this issue will affect his free agent stock remains to be seen.

Everything else looks pretty good on this guy.  There is that thing about the uncontrolable rage that caused him to dig his cleats into the top of a players head for no reason.  I guess in his defense, the guy was laying on the ground with his helmet off and his back turned.  What else are you supposed to do, help the guy up?  Any player worth his salt in this league stomps that head.

25 Random Things About Jared Allen

As many of us hip and cool people know, Facebook is an essential part of everyday life for millions of Americans.  The new, hip and cool thing to do on Facebook is a 25 Random Things About Me survey. I just found Jared Allen’s.

25 Random Things About Me, 

1        In grade 4, an eye doctor told me that I needed glasses.  After getting a pair, I popped out the lenses, grinded them down on the pavement during my recesses to form a shiv and stabbed Blake Davis, the school bully, in the balls with them.

        2     I have a terrible memory.  One time I forgot the pin to my bankcard, so when I was standing at the ATM, I had no way to get access to my $37,568,934.89.

        3      For Christmas, my teammates went together and bought me an adult man, like a human man, who now cleans up my stuff and kind of just chills at my house.

        4       My Christmas present used to cook me meals, but he mostly just microwaved hot pockets, so I told him to stop.

        5         I’m a huge David Archuleta fan.  I don’t like his music; I’m a fan of how crappy he sounds. 

        6       I love building things.  Last off-season, I spent 3 months building extra fingers for my hands.  

        7      My favorite food is Nachos

        8        I went the first 24 years of my life without a cell phone, when I finally got one a few years ago and it had a 2 mp camera in it. 

        9      When I was a kid, I wanted a dog so bad, that I taped a picture of a dog on the inside of my dad, Hulk Hogan’s bathroom sliding pocket door, so he had to look at it while he combed his yellow hair.

10.  10    I hate Goster Chelilis because he sucks at football, not because he is fat.

11.  11     I have hands as big as a large German pancake.

12.  12     I wrote a book about football called, Aaron Rodgers:  That Guy Sucks.

13.  13       Yesterday, I killed a Badger and a Wolverine with a glue stick, some sand paper, and an unlit cigarette.

14.  14      Fruit makes me puke.

15.  15     I own the entire city of New Haven, Connecticut.

16.  16       I was one of the coaches on The Ultimate Fighter 7: Team Rampage vs. Team Forrest.  I was Forrest.

17.  17      Three words…I     Don’t     Poop.

18.  18    I was a hitman on the side, for the first 2 seasons of my career.

19   19      I have produced two movies, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow and Robot Monster, a comedy about a robot named Mr. Iron Bottom, who looks like a gorilla.  Mr. Iron Bottom has to be Santa Clause for a year, when Santa suffers a grade 3 knee sprain in a wakeboarding accident.  The robot monster finds himself in a predicament with sexy consequences.

22   20     I spend all my free time thinking of new, better ways to kill badgers and wolverines using a bottle of salsa and crushed up tortilla chips.

21   21      I once watched an entire season of Home Improvement on dvd, over a two-day period.  I had diarrhea for 4 days afterward and ever since then, when I hear Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ husky voice, I suffer a small stroke. 

22.  22      My favorite color is camouflage with blood on it.

23.  23      I made Coach Childress promise me he’d never look me directly in my eyes.

24   24      When I buy a new vehicle, the only criteria is that it can easily drive over, and render immobile, punter Chris Kluwe’s silver, 2007 Dodge Charger.

25   25     After the Pro Bowl, I vacationed in Bossaso, Somalia, where I went on a pirate ship tour and we captured an Israeli ship full of Toyota Land Cruisers.  When I got home, I spent my share of the ransom money on an autographed photo of Fred Savage on the set of The Wonder Years and 32,345 shares of the S&P 500 index. 

NFL Combine Wonderlic Test

The Wonderlic test is given to NFL prospects at the NFL scouting combine.  It is a logic test that tests how much mental capacity accompanies the physical skills that are on display.  The Wonderlic has 50 questions and 12 minutes to answer them with.

Here are the average scores by position:

OT-26

C-25

G-23

TE-22

QB-24

S-19

LB-19

CB-18

WR-17

FB-17

HB-16

Some interesting scores:

Vince Young, 6

Ryan Fitzpatrick, 38

Kevin Curtis, 48

Eli Manning, 38

Donovan McNabb, 14

Tony Romo, 37

Tom Brady, 33

Brady Quinn, 29

Dan Marino, 15

Michael Vick’s Broham, Marcus Vick, 11

It doesn’t seem like a players general intelligence has a direct correlation to football skill, but I can understand teams wanting to know if they just gave a moron $20 million guaranteed.

I’m sure all this Wonderlic talk has you itching to take a test yourself.  You can do so here and here.  Those links are the best I can find.  I must warn you though, they may not be very accurate.  If I believe the scores I received on those two tests, I would be a certifiable genius and if you read over some of the crap that came out of my brain and onto this blog, it is obvious that the tests are scoring a little high.

Barack Obama and Future Posting

They say a picture is worth a thousand words…that is not true of the pictures I have chosen to post on this blog, none-the-less, you have likely noticed the increased use of unauthorized photography on the blog lately.  I think it really livens the place up.  It brings a splash of color to its otherwise text filled existence.

I have also branched out into having words that have links on them.  Not the double underlined words, which if clicked on, puts 3 cents into my bank account, but for instance, if you click here, you will be taken to a link of my choosing.  All of these things are designed to increase your pleasure while visiting. 

In this week heading into free agency, I am hoping to have my blog topics jump out at me, because in all honest, since the season ended, I have been having trouble finding interesting things to write about.  I am looking for your assistance in this matter.  Please post your ideas in the comments section.

It’s for your own good, because if you don’t, you will be finding yourself reading a week long investigation into Tom Brady’s 15-year old looking physique, and strange skin pigmentation, as we delve deeper into his 2000 scouting combine photo.

The truth is, that no matter how good your ideas are, I may just write about that Tom Brady photo anyways, because the more I think about it, the more I want to take that east-coast playboy down a peg or two.  

Devin Moore and the NFL Combine

The NFL combine has finally come.  What a great time in history we live, when I can watch or opt not watch the future stars of the NFL weight lift and shuffle drill their way up the draft board on cable TV.  You know it wasn’t always like this.  I don’t remember when it wasn’t, but trust me, it wasn’t always like this.

I mean, it used to be that you got all of your information from your local newspapers sports section.  And Lord knows you certainly didn’t trust the guys on Sports center with the shiny suits and their expensive haircuts, high on cocaine and animal tranquilizers. 

My favorite combine drill, is the cornerback hip turn exercise, where they run backwards as fast as they can, turning their hips to the direction they are told.  At the end of the drill, a facilitator throws up a ball for them to simulate an interception and they either make the catch and run it back toward the end zone, or the ball bounces off their stone hands, revealing to the world the real reason they didn’t choose to be a wide receiver.

I have one important scouting combine update.

Devin Moore, running back out of Wyoming didn’t get a combine invite, so he held his own in Indy.  14 teams had reps there.  The kid ran a 4.4 40-yard dash.  I like it.  I’m going to remember his name, and see what happens on draft weekend.  He showed more heart in taking that initiative than 79% of players ever show. 

 

Since I do my NFL scouting based on photographs, I have a good read on this guy.  He has great down field vision, because he runs with his eyes really wide, his mouth guard is in all the way, which is good…good ball security, he wears those black arm things, so that’s important.  His pants don’t seem done up all the way, so that will be a concern heading into draft weekend and the major issue teams will see in him, is his affinity to face mask the opposing team while attempting to straight arm them. 

To prove my theory about judging based on photographs, I present to you a random photo from the 2000 scouting combine.  This player clearly cannot be successful at the NFL level.  Based on his photo, he suffers from low self worth, his body clearly won’t be able to handle NFL sized hits on his blindside, his shorts are grey, which is a huge red flag and his body looks dumb because he has terrible posture.  Based on this information, this player was drafted 199^th overall on draft day.  

It is Tom Brady for those of you who can't make out the image.

Brad Childress looks like...

Here are three photos.  One is the head coach of the Minnesota Vikings, one is the star of the highest rated television program of all time, Major Dad and the third is the conductor from the movie, Polar Express.

I know what you're thinking and I can't tell the difference between the three either.  I am pretty sure the guy on the right is Major Dad, because it is a signed photo and it is signed, Major Dad, but between the other two I'm pretty sure they are just impersonating this guy (on the left)...

his name is Fart Face, from a Saturday Night Live sketch.  

That's actually what I will call all of the three above from now on, especially Childress.

Jared Allen Video

Here's a Video of Jared Allen's 2008 season.  Try not to be distracted by the completely ridiculous music, this visually perfect, video montage is set to.   I don't want to bite the hand that feeds too hard, and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, this video sucks.

Forget it, I should just take this piece of crap off.  If you feel strongly one way or another, let me know in the comments.  I have no issues removing this link and denying whoever made this video the satisfaction of extra viewers.

I'll find a good video to post.  Check back soon.