The Jared Allen: Read it and Weep

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Read it and Weep

In my quest to supply the world community with the most important information I know, I have begun a blog, focused on the Minnesota Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen. The reason I have singled Jared Allen out from all of the other Vikings is two fold. One: He is my favorite Minnesota Viking of all time. Two: Although reason one is not necessarily true, he is my favorite current Viking.

I plan to present to you, the reader, a man like many others, yet like no other. An everyman… like no man before him. A tall guy with a mullet.

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Biography

Jared Allen was born in the Jungles of South America. No one knows the exact location of his birth, all we can say for certain, is that he was conceived in a tree and that his father is a Jaguar. I did an Internet search of South American jungles, and now firmly believe that this event occurred near the town of Leticia, Columbia.

At age 5, Jared desired a new life for himself in America. He acquired a fake ID, and got a job as a blackjack dealer on a riverboat casino in order to earn enough money to relocate.

Jared eventually moved to America, where he settled in Miami, Florida. While growing up, Jared was a very active child, and rumor has it that he was a real handful. That is how he earned the nickname, "energy ball". When he was ten, he invented dancing.

Jared’s middle years were spent teaching math in a Jr. High near Toronto. It was during this time that he started to grow into the man we know today. Growing an inch every day except Sundays, Jared grew 3 feet in only six weeks. Although it is impossible to know for sure, today Jared Allen is rumored to stands just over seven feet tall.

When Jared was 16, he walked from Buffalo, NY, to California in just 103 hours. He earned a walk on tryout, and later, a starting role with the Golden State Warriors. Allen played starting center with the Warriors from 1998-2003.

It was during his time with the Golden State Warriors that Allen invented Coffee. It was years later however, that he invented cream.

Jared Allen officially because a man when he signed a 15 year, $680 million deal with the Minneapolis Lakers, who later became the Minnesota Vikings. Wearing the number 69 caused quite a stir around the league, as it marked the first time in the history of sports, that a player actually invented his own number ( 9 ), to wear on his uniform.

Since entering the league, Allen has won the heavyweight title, and successfully defended it 4 times. He has gained a reputation for his bowhunting accuracy, as well as his ability to think outside the box.

The Jared Allen

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Read it and Weep

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Now that Jared Allen's nickname is officially, "Rodeo", should the Rodeo official greeting end with a throw of the imaginary lasso, or just a spin of the lasso above your head

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