The Jared Allen: Momentary Lapse Into Honesty

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Momentary Lapse Into Honesty

If I can be honest with you for a moment.

I can remember this offseason, when rumors of Jared Allen's trade to my team, the Minnesota Vikings began to surface. The moment I learned this, I sent text messages to anyone I thought would care.

I immediately turned to the World Wide Web for Jared Allen Highlight Videos, which by the way are few and far between. I found one that was set to some old western music. I must have watched it 5 times and sent the link around.

Now I watch the man live, roughly every second Sunday during the season. When the defense is on the field, he is the player I watch, when I took my mom to the game, I told her to watch, "the guy on the end". Now that the Vikings season has ended, I was bored and I googled my man Mr. Allen and found not one dedicated site. I have vowed to correct this injustice.

I will not take my fake responsibility lightly. If there is Jared Allen news, I will report it. If there is no Jared Allen news, I will make it up.

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Biography

Jared Allen was born in the Jungles of South America. No one knows the exact location of his birth, all we can say for certain, is that he was conceived in a tree and that his father is a Jaguar. I did an Internet search of South American jungles, and now firmly believe that this event occurred near the town of Leticia, Columbia.

At age 5, Jared desired a new life for himself in America. He acquired a fake ID, and got a job as a blackjack dealer on a riverboat casino in order to earn enough money to relocate.

Jared eventually moved to America, where he settled in Miami, Florida. While growing up, Jared was a very active child, and rumor has it that he was a real handful. That is how he earned the nickname, "energy ball". When he was ten, he invented dancing.

Jared’s middle years were spent teaching math in a Jr. High near Toronto. It was during this time that he started to grow into the man we know today. Growing an inch every day except Sundays, Jared grew 3 feet in only six weeks. Although it is impossible to know for sure, today Jared Allen is rumored to stands just over seven feet tall.

When Jared was 16, he walked from Buffalo, NY, to California in just 103 hours. He earned a walk on tryout, and later, a starting role with the Golden State Warriors. Allen played starting center with the Warriors from 1998-2003.

It was during his time with the Golden State Warriors that Allen invented Coffee. It was years later however, that he invented cream.

Jared Allen officially because a man when he signed a 15 year, $680 million deal with the Minneapolis Lakers, who later became the Minnesota Vikings. Wearing the number 69 caused quite a stir around the league, as it marked the first time in the history of sports, that a player actually invented his own number ( 9 ), to wear on his uniform.

Since entering the league, Allen has won the heavyweight title, and successfully defended it 4 times. He has gained a reputation for his bowhunting accuracy, as well as his ability to think outside the box.

The Jared Allen

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Momentary Lapse Into Honesty

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Now that Jared Allen's nickname is officially, "Rodeo", should the Rodeo official greeting end with a throw of the imaginary lasso, or just a spin of the lasso above your head

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