On Sunday, I’m rooting for the underdog Cardinals. Since I am not a fan of either team, I had to do some real soul searching in order to figure out why. A few reasons came to mind.
-Larry Fitzgerald has quite possible the largest bum ever to run a 4.4, 40. I can’t even believe that thing works on a wide receiver. It’s just fun to watch.
-Kurt “baggy sleeves” Warner is old and good, a rare combination for success. He worked as a grocery bagger in this adult life and rose to football stardom. He must be one of those guys who refuses to read an article written about him, or watch his performance, like actors do sometimes, because if he’d of seen himself on tape just once, he’d realize he wears linebacker shoulder pads and his sleeve openings look weird. He’s the Jake Plummer of his generation. I can overlook all of his cosmetic flaws to root for the good man beneath it all. Plus, Moto-cyclette Roethlisberger wears his hat backwards far to often to be taken seriously.
-Because they shouldn’t be where they are and the fact that they are , gives hope for every team in the league.
-Edgerrin James was good, then he sucked and now he’s sort of good again. Plus, his back-up’s name in Tim Hightower, which if I didn’t know better, I’d think was a 6’8” volleyball player from the University of Iowa.
There are other little things, like Jersey color, City location and the fact that I’d take a team with a bird name over a team named after a blue collar occupation any day, but those are petty, bandwagon reasons. Larry Fitz’ ass on the other hand…you just can’t argue with that.
Cards 27, Steelers 17
In, best news I’ve ever heard, news, I just read (here), that Jared Allen is indeed an ultimate fighter.
The news comes following a story from Minneapolis that Tarvaris Jackson is taking Mixed Martial Arts training in order to loosen himself up a bit. Apparently, Rodeo participated in the same training while he was in KC, and it helped him with his agility and ability to round the corner (and his ability to beat your face in, should he deem that necessary).
I got a pretty good sneak peek of what t-Jax will look like in the ring, during Wild Card Weekend against the Eagles, when Jackson threw a pick and tried to tackle the Eagles player at the goal line. He was lifted into the air by the opposing team and thrown to the ground like a sack-o-potatoes.
None the less, I feel a real kinship with both Rodeo and Jackson now, because what a lot of you may not know is, my parents second cousin married Brock Lesnar’s brother. True story.
Needless to say, Jared Allen will likely pursue an MMA career in the next few years, dominating the circuit with his reach advantage. Wowing the masses with his devastating athleticism, an unparellelled work ethic and his signature finishing move, the one-handed head squeeze.
The Detroit Lions are looking to change their look on the field by 2010. Don’t get me wrong, they’re still going to suck, but they’ll be sucking in a slightly different color.
The team announced during a news conference this week that it plans to get a new look... kind of a visual transformation to go along with the mental and physical transformation that they hope to achieve.
Team insiders have leaked what the new uniforms will look like. The most drastic change will be the move away from actual jersey tops to fur coats. The fur coats were originally to be made from mink, but due to the state of our current economy, the team settled for rabbit pelts sewn together to form the new look. The team’s pants will be black both home and away and instead of mid cut shoes, the men will now wear shoes with the upper part extending to just below the knee. The overall look is intended to emulate a street worker, or prostitute.
Dan Orlovski was in attendance during the news conference, and modeled part of the new look for the reporters.
The Super Bowl is a very interesting event for me. It is the biggest game of the year for my favorite League, yet I treat is with the less seriousness that my favorite teams first preseason game.
One of my issues is, I am usually watching the game with a room full of people, most of whom are seeing their first game of the season. These people are in it for the party, not the football. Still, make no mistake, none of them believe that and they are all experts on all aspects of the game. Everything from the play calling to the color of analyst’s shirt is under the microscopic scrutiny of these football experts. You are right Rick, Brady is an “idiot” for not seeing his open receiver. Debbie, please explain to the group why Eli Manning doesn’t “look” like a good football player. What’s that Chad, you think running plays are a waste of a down…funny, I thought they were the foundation of a team’s offense.
I guess it comes down to my respect for a person’s football watching experience. I fully recognize that not everyone can watch 4 games a weekend, but an average of 3 per month is required for me to have any respect for a persons football opinion. I also take age into consideration. For every decade older than me someone is, I can excuse .5 games per month. For example, If a guy is 30 years older than me, he must only watch 1.5 games/month for me to take him/her seriously.
The same allowence applies based on how many bags of Sunchips a person brings. 0.5 games a bag.
It is therapeutic for me to talk openly with you about this. I am trying to mentally prepare myself for Sunday, when for the first time all season, I hear someone decide who to cheer for based on the color of teams jersey.
Adrian Peterson was awarded the Fed Ex Ground Player of the universe award today. He led the league in rushing in 2008, with 4398 yards on 301 rushes for a whopping 14.6 yards per carry average. The only player with a better season was O.J. Simpson in 1995, when he rushed for 4405 yards, and killed 2 people.
For winning this award, Fed Ex will donate 12.4 million dollars to the YMCA in AD’s honor. As well, Peterson will receive free priority status on all of the Fed Ex ground packages he sends.
Fed Ex noted that standard fuel surcharges will still apply if Peterson send packages over seas.
From this day forth, Jared Allen will also be known as Rodeo.
Rodeo would like to say a few words to his fans who voted on his future identity, but he couldn’t be reached for comment (I have no idea how to contact him). I would like to thank you for him, using the official new Rodeo greeting.
The brand new way to greet," Rodeo style", is a move much like waving, but instead you pretend to hold a lasso, and spin it above your head. I haven’t yet decided if it should end by throwing the imaginary lasso over an imaginary steer’s head. That sounds like an idea for the next poll.
Peter King mentioned this afternoon that, if Brett “woops” Favre chooses to return to the NFL, he wants to do it as Jared Allen’s teammate.
I have a vision of how their first meeting during the offseason program would go:
Jared Allen: Hey, man
Brett Favre: Hi
JA: those are nice cargo shorts
BF: thanks
JA: Did you cheat on your wife when she had breast cancer?
BF: Yes sir.
JA: Why do we say your name like Farve, but it’s spelt Favre?
BF: I’m a moron.
JA: Oh.
BF: Did my wife Janelle, or whatever her name is invite you to my 50th birthday party at the Hyatt?
JA: No.
BF: Friday night at 8:30
JA: I’ll only come if I can beat up your friends, and throw food at you.
BF: That’s normally what my best friend Mike Holmgrem does. But I guess you can both do it.
JA: Underneath the act you’re a dink aren’t you?
BF: Yes.
Yesterday marked the first Sunday since September, that I didn’t watch a little afternoon football. It went surprisingly well. There was very little crying, and I held my insane temper in check for the most part. I watched a movie, took a nap, and then went out for sushi. Not a bad, little Sunday, I lined up for myself there.
I would like to start a new segment on TJA, called:
WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH…
The New England Patriots. I think that they have let every coach walk, except the Head, the best qb in the league is having rehab problems, his replacement has to be franchise tagged, all of their linebackers are over 40 years old, and they lost in the Super bowl to the Giants last year…weird.
LT. In my fantasy draft last year, he was taken first overall. I think, unless he is traded the 2003 Baltimore Ravens, he’ll slip into the 2nd round.
Coaches for hire. Right now, Mike Shanahan is sitting in his gigantic kitchen, reading the newspaper, unemployed. Right now, Jon Gruden is screaming his face off at something. Herm Edwards is quietly reading the newest Harry Potter book in his family room, his spectacles low on his nose, a steaming cup of hot chocolate sits on the side table, next to his la-z-boy.
Somebody hire those guys.
That concludes my first stab at, WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH…
This is Un-Jared Allen related, although Jared Allen knows what I'm talking about here.
It is no longer just Teri Hatcher, Michael Strahan and Chris Long who hate Howie Long’s guts; we can now add millions of Americans to the list. In case you have missed every commercial break since the playoffs began, let me fill you in on what’s been going on. GM has some awesome truck commercials, and they go like this:
Howie Long knocks on the window of a pleasant looking man driving a non-Gm truck
Howie: You look like a total dink in that truck
Nice Guy: What?
Howie: Your truck sucks
Nice Guy: Why would you say that?
Howie: I want to punch you in the face so bad right now
Nice Guy: Blank Stare
Howie: Howie sticks up his middle finger and walks off.
Are bullies cool? This might be one of the reasons General Motors in is a financial crisis. Instead of advertising their vehicles, they seem to be spending tens of millions of dollars, running a campaign to make Howie Long look like a douchebag.
At least they have accomplished their goal.
When Jared Allen lined up across from Kurt “going to the super bowl” Warner on December 14th, this last year, he threw the old sack of potatoes down twice for sacks. Next year when Jared Allen’s Vikings play the Pitteesburg Steelers, Jared Allen will get two and a half sacks and one forced fumble on Ben “motocyclette” Roethlisberger.
Warner and Roethlisberger are going to the Super Bowl. All of us here at www.thejaredallen.blogspot.com are happy for the two teams. Except the Steelers...really would have liked to see the ravens win that game.
A lot of people have been asking me what Jared Allen is up too so far this offseason. I thought I’d give a quick update.
Immediately after the Minnesota Vikings loss to the Eagles on Wild Card Weekend, JA went north, up to Lake of the Woods, Ontario, where he participated in a small ice fishing derby. Although he did not win, he did catch a two walleye, 4 small mouth bass, and a shark, which is quite rare for those parts. He slept in quinsy, made of packed snow, and only ate pickles from a jar the entire time he was there.
Since then, Jared Allen has been spending his time in Los Angeles, California, pursuing his dream of acting in film and television. In the past few weeks, JA has starred as Jake’s teacher, in Two and a Half Men, the cool new student in the CW’s , 90210, had a guest hosting role on ABC’s, The View, and auditioned for the part of Cordell “Cord” Walker’s sidekick, James “Jimmy” Trivette, for the remake of Walker Texas Ranger.
When coming up with Jared’s nickname, we must be fair to Jared. We will have a poll, and the first suggestion to get 50 votes will become the official Jared Allen nickname, for life.
I have a few ideas, including two suggestions from the comments on the previous post.
-TEX
-RODEO
-CRAZY
-LUMBERJACK
I reserve the right to add late entries to the list.
I strongly believe that, in order for this blog to capture the level of cultural relevance that I hope someday it can achieve, I have to do something within these pages, so incredible that it forces its way into the everyday lives of our society. It is this vision, for www.thejaredallen.blogspot.com to burn its mark on this crazy world, which leads me, with scorching hot enthusiasm[1] to announce my intentions to give Jared Allen a nickname.
This nickname will not be some, off the top of my head, poorly conceptualized new handle for Jared Allen. The nickname will be one that is known throughout the football world someday. This is why I cannot take this task lightly. In fact I am taking this responsibility so seriously that I don’t have the slightest clue what the nickname will be. I’ll be honest; I don’t even know where to begin.
However, I am the right man for the job. In my youth, I was responsible for naming the gently bending 4 lane freeway, which merged Bishop Grandin Blvd and Keneston Blvd, “The Bish-Ken Curve” and even though no-one uses that name, that doesn’t discount the quality of the naming.
As you read, I am hard at work, thinking and I will not stop thinking until I have the perfect nickname. Feel free to comment and give me some suggestions.
[1] Phrase used by a friend JR in a job application cover letter.
Even though the Minnesota Vikings are out of the playoffs, Joe Flacco loosely referenced Jared Allen, and his team in his post game interview on Sunday. At one point during the game, Flacco rolled to his right in his own end zone, nearly stepping out of bounds while looking downfield for his receiver. Flacco said, “ I almost pulled an Orlovsky”.
I love the fact that Detroit QB, Dan Orlovsky now defines the action of stepping out of bounds in your end zone for a safety. There are two reasons Orlovsky pulled his, “Orlovsky”. One, he is an inexperienced QB. Two, Jared Allen was hunting him down, like Orlovsky was a pigeon living in JA’s garage and JA is fed up with the crap on the hood of his pick-up truck, so he goes inside to grab his .22… (I had a hard time thinking of a better, “Getting hunted down analogy”)
See it for yourself here
In any case, thanks to Jared Allen, Dan Orlovsky now joins the long list of things that are defined by other things. For example, a necktie worn around your head, with the knot on the side means, “office party”.
One last item of business stemming from Sunday is that I have come to the conclusion that Jared Allen hates belts. His kit for Sunday’s TV appearance was mysteriously missing a belt, and since I have no evidence to suggest he likes, or doesn’t mind wearing belts, I will conclude that he sees no use for them, and hates them.
I’ve got a few posts cooking for next week. They may, or may not include the following topics: a new Jared Allen nickname, Jared Allen making Orlovsky pull his Orlovsky, how many carbs were in the chips I ate this weekend, Why even my dog hates Phillip Rivers, why in my dogs eyes, McNabb and Rivers are hard to tell apart and lastly, why those darn fuel prices fluctuate so much.
Before I get those topics and so many more, let me answer a few unknowns from last week. Yes, JA had a mullet on TV this morning. It looked sharp. It was crisp, yet his stripes had grown in some, but all in all, he again showed why he was voted by Details Magazine as, the best-dressed athlete the last 3 years running. Jared opted for the dual pleat brown pant with a striped white dress shirt. Just like Jared, He was all business on top, yet look down and then, BAM…cowboy boots.
He gave insight into how to attack the Giants and Eagles with the outside pass rush. I was struck by how calm Jared was calm in front of the camera. I guess I should have expected it from a guy who worked his way through high school as the evening news anchor on Channel 5 WSAZ in Miami.
Despite obvious evidence to the contrary, I actually have an interest in making this site a legitimate source of Jared Allen information.
That is why I will ignore the urge to write that JA went to college in heaven, being taught football by angels, majoring in strength, with dual minors in economics and the rodeo, and tell you the simple truth. He went to Idaho State University.
While at Idaho State, Allen started in 33 of 41 games. JA was 4-times an All-Big Sky Conference selection. He had 250 tackles, 38.5 sacks, 13 forced fumbles, seven fumble recoveries, a blocked kick, 3 picks, 3 touchdowns, and 26 passes defended. 73 times, Allen made tackles for a loss of confidence and self-esteem, as well as yards.
In contrast, when I went to University, I didn’t do any of those things.
Jared’s middle years were spent teaching math in a Jr. High near Toronto. It was during this time that he started to grow into the man we know today. Growing an inch every day except Sundays, Jared grew 3 feet in only six weeks. Although it is impossible to know for sure, today Jared Allen is rumored to stands just over seven feet tall.
When Jared was 16, he walked from Buffalo, NY, to California in just 103 hours. He earned a walk on tryout, and later, a starting role with the Golden State Warriors. Allen played starting center with the Warriors from 1998-2003.
It was during his time with the Golden State Warriors that Allen invented Coffee. It was years later however, that he invented cream.
Jared Allen was born in the Jungles of South America. No one knows the exact location of his birth, all we can say for certain, is that he was conceived in a tree and that his father is a Jaguar. I did an Internet search of South American jungles, and now firmly believe that this event occurred near the town of Leticia, Columbia.
In my quest to supply the world community with the most important information I know, I have begun a blog, focused on the Minnesota Vikings defensive end, Jared Allen. The reason I have singled Jared Allen out from all of the other Vikings is two fold. One: He is my favorite Minnesota Viking of all time. Two: Although reason one is not necessarily true, he is my favorite current Viking.
I plan to present to you, the reader, a man like many others, yet like no other. An everyman… like no man before him. A tall guy with a mullet.
